My exercise class suggested I write a book about them. One woman even volunteered to be the victim, though I can’t imagine why anyone would want to kill her. She is lovely, charming, and utterly delightful. I wasn’t going to write the story since it seemed a good way to lose a lot of friends, but at the lunch the other day, I almost whacked one of my classmates with my exercise bag, and she deadpanned, “I’m not the one who volunteered to be the murder victim.” So I decided to write the book. I mean, how could I not use such a perfect line?
I’d like to do the book campy with exaggerated uses and sly mentions of mystery clichés. For instance, I could get a call from one of the women who says she has information, but won’t give it to me over the phone. I immediately rush over there, of course, since such a call is a precursor to being murdered in cheap mysteries, but when I get there I find . . . I don’t know. Something innocuous. That the cell phone battery went dead. (Or better yet, I call the cops, and they think I’m hysterical.) Then there’s the “Don’t Go There” ploy, advice 
that a character ignores. When she does Go There, she almost gets herself killed. (Someone suggested this should be a buxom blonde, and of course, I know the perfect person for the role — a lady in red who is a buxom blonde or rather a buxom sometimes-blonde, and she definitely would Go There.) Of course I would also mention the old fictional women from small towns who stumble on so many murders, there couldn’t possibly be anyone left alive in the vicinity. Perhaps even use the alcoholic, donut-eating cop, misogynous cop.
I’m going to start out writing the book the way the idea unfolded in real life, beginning with the suggestion of my writing the book, our planning the murder, etc. leading up to the day we go to class and find her dead for real. The victim is such a good sport, she let me take a photo of her being dead to use for the book cover. (She sank to the ground gracefully, and fell into the perfect pose. Hmm. Maybe she is an eminently suitable victim after all. In the mystery world, she would be too good to be true.)
For now, I’m collecting clichés to use in the book. What do you think are the top clichés in mystery/suspense/thriller fiction? Who are the stock characters? What clichés and other mystery genre conventions do you absolutely hate?
But be careful! You might just end up in the book.
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Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.
Bertram's Blog 
May 13, 2014 at 6:45 pm
There’s the old cliche about a group of young people up in a nature reserve somewhere. There are a dozen cabins and half the party decide to separate from the rest of the group for the night despite there having been a recent murder. So killer hasn’t been caught and the girls decide to go their separate way from the guys. THEN they decide on separate rooms with adjacent showers. Since Hitchcock the shower scene has become a classic. The separation for no real reason is, however, from a string of horror movies connected with crime that were made in the ’70s.
May 13, 2014 at 6:51 pm
Death by stupidity. I always hated those stories. If I were with a group in the woods and a murderer was loose, there is no way I’d ever go off on my own.
The shower cliche that gets me is the girl/woman knows a killer is on the loose, she hears someone trying to break in, and so she . . . takes a shower.
May 14, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Yes well you’ve gotta get clean for your killer.
May 14, 2014 at 2:54 am
Oh, Pat, I love this idea. You cracked me up when you deadpanned on FB, “You mean the only difference between a writer and a fireman is a couple of tweaks?” Your line – feel free to use it – lol!
May 14, 2014 at 9:38 am
I hope I can write the book in a humorous vein. Sometimes I think my sense of humor went walkabout.
May 14, 2014 at 7:41 pm
Of course, there is the detective sitting at his/her desk and someone walks in “You’ve got to help me!” Don’t bother calling the police for missing persons or murder. Go directly to a private detective. And of course, no one ever mentions how much they cost, but every client can afford them.
May 14, 2014 at 8:14 pm
Oh my. “You’ve got to help me” and “You’ve got to believe me” are two that I truly hate. I’ll have to use them in an ironic way.
May 20, 2014 at 5:09 pm
[…] Let’s Play the Cliché Game! […]
June 8, 2014 at 4:54 pm
[…] been collecting mystery genre clichés to use in a whimsical mystery story. Some of the suggestions people have given me are true clichés — clues, characters, or plot […]