Never Underestimate the Power of an Author

June 26, 2026 — Pat Bertram

I wasn’t going to do any more political posts — as I keep saying, it’s getting too dangerous. Not that I’m bringing myself to anyone’s attention, it’s just that the internet is forever, and who knows what will be the end of this push toward, not just socialism, but communism.

So what got my goat this time? The socialists/communists are saying they want a Scandinavian-type socialism rather than a Venezuelan-type, which, of course, shows their ignorance, or perhaps shows that they are relying on the ignorance of their constituents.

To be honest, I’m just as ignorant about how things work over there as anyone else, though I do know a few basics. The Nordic Model combines capitalism with an extensive government-funded social welfare system. In particular, what Sweden has is a parliamentary representative democratic constitutional monarchy, which seems to mean that the power comes from the people, with the prime minister as head of the government, the king head of parliament, and officials elected by the people to represent them. They are a capitalist state with a large taxpayer funded welfare system. Meaning that, unlike true socialism, people own their businesses, not the state.

Because of Sweden’s early free market system, by 1970, they were one of the wealthiest countries in the world. Then, in 1970, they began playing around with socialism. The government was horrifically expanded, taxes were massive, wealthy businesses left the country, zero jobs were created. By 1990, they realized their experiment was a disaster. They discovered they could have big business or big government, not both. As Kjell-Olof Feldt, Social Democratic Minister of Finance (1983–1990) said: “What we believed in as young socialists simply turned out to be impossible in practice.”

Now, their socialism is funded heavily by low and middle-income families, not just the rich. It’s still not a utopia by any means. As with all western countries, their open borders have created a high incidence of gang-related shootings, problems with local integration, and a huge drain on their welfare system.

So why do I know all this? Pippi Longstocking. Do you remember her? The storybook hero we all (especially us quiet bookish types), admired so much?

In 1970, at the beginning of the Swedish socialist experiment, Astrid Lindgren, the author of the Pippi Longstocking books, was sent a tax bill for 102% of her earnings. Yep. Socialism on steroids. (Socialists seem to like to steal from authors. One bestselling author is trying to leave a neighboring country, but he can’t leave until he forks over about 65% of his investments via an “exit tax.” Not his income, not his realized capital gains. His investments and savings. So, he can stay and spend an ever-increasing share of the tax burden, or he can leave and lose more than half of what he’d spent his life earning.)

Anyway, Astrid Lundgren fought back like an author — she wrote allegories that were very obviously a critique of the government’s tax system, but that people loved and understood. The press called her selfish. The prime minister blamed her for betraying the country. But she kept writing. And talking. She explained about the unfairness of a tax that punished the people who created wealth by stealing even more from them than they earned. People listened. In 1976, they voted out the Social Democratic Party that had ruled for over forty years.

The tax system was overhauled. Still, they didn’t dump socialism for another fifteen years.

So the moral of this story is . . . well, I’m not sure what the ultimate message is, but one is never to underestimate the power of an author beloved the world over. Another is not to listen to what the communists in the United States are saying about the “good” socialism they want, because the truth is that socialism doesn’t work, and you can’t tax the rich ad infinitum.

And of course, in my case, the main moral is not to get me riled up.

Though it did give me a blog topic, so there’s that.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

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Literary Irony

June 20, 2026 — Pat Bertram

I’ve been leafing through The Wheel of Time books and reading the parts that catch my interest. I’m quickly bypassing all the utterly boring sections, especially when it comes to the teenage girls and their individual grabs for power. These sections could have all been done through gossip or news being passed hand to hand or any number of ways to show their rise to power without readers being crushed beneath the banality. Some readers like those sections, the same people who think those two are the real heroes of the story, though I can see nothing of value to their stories other than that they became forces to oppose and perhaps help the hero.

Mostly I’m interested in the parts of the story that we aren’t bludgeoned with by a plethora of words, parts that slip through the cracks of “backstory” to become something else.

For example, one of the “bad guy” characters showed up in the army of male power-wielders that the hero had been gathering to help him fight the Last Battle. By chance, this particular bad guy was chosen from the ranks to be one of the hero’s personal helpers. Although the bad guy claimed to be a farmer, he seemed rather inept, could barely ride a horse, acted mentally slow, and was often found staring in consternation at the simplest things. He became part of a rebellion that tried to kill the hero, and in turn was himself killed by a “dark friend,” one of those sworn to the Dark Lord because the dark friend assumed he was nothing but the low-level soldier he pretended to be.

But if we turn that story around, piece together what we’ve learned about this bad guy throughout the story, and see it from his point of view, it’s a completely different and ironic tale.

In the first book, the hero kills a bad guy who was trying to kill him. Later, as we find out, this same bad guy is given a new body and sent to be one of the hero’s power wielding soldiers. It was pure happenstance that our bad guy ended up actually being in contact with and in service to the hero. Ouch. Having to serve the very person who killed you? So not fun! At least not for him.

Then we find out this same bad guy, some 3,000 years ago, had been a genius, a genetic researcher who created all the horrible monsters that currently plague the “good guys.” When the Dark Lord had been sealed up after a long-protracted war, this bad guy, along with a bunch of his fellow bad guys had been sealed up, too.

Back when he was sealed up, the world was way more advanced than we today can even dream of being, and so this poor guy wakes up into a backward world he cannot fathom, has no tools and no way to do anything he knows how to do, and so seems to be less than ordinary. And the final irony — this one-time genius, though being one of the premier bad guys, ends up getting killed by another baddie because he’s . . . ordinary.

Gotta love irony!

Another striking irony to me is that some of the characters hated by readers were not written as such by Robert Jordan but by the substitute. One character is a woman who helps the hero as she can, but seems a hard taskmistress since she demands to be treated with courtesy. I don’t think people would have hated her so much if Robert Jordan had been able to finish his books. Most of her worst characteristics ended up in the last three books that had been written by a decidedly inferior writer. So, since those three books don’t exist as far as I’m concerned, she turns out to be a woman who starts out demanding respect and ends up earning it. (I was one who didn’t like her, but she’s a good character up until those final three books, so I’ve come to like her.)

Another such character is a prince who was sworn to protect his sister, the daughter-heir, but she’s disappeared, no one will tell him where she is, and so he’s lost. He doesn’t know what to do and ends up — maybe — making bad decisions based solely on the chance of finding his sister. He’s also in love with a woman who is off doing self-important things, who says she loves him but doesn’t want his protection (even though that’s all he’s been trained to do). His bad luck was to be tied to both the power-hungry teenagers mentioned above.

To me his storyline is sad, and he only becomes an incompetent fool in the last three books under the pen of the substitute.

So, here’s another irony — readers love the substitute author, think he’s better than the original author, but blame Jordan for the characters they hate even though it was the substitute that mangled the characters. Yep! Gotta love irony.

I have those last three books, but as I’m leafing through Jordan’s books this time, I can see more and more mistakes the substitute made, and so I know for a fact I will never want to reread them. I just don’t know what to do with them. If I need the room on my bookshelf, I suppose I’ll take them to one of the little libraries around town since I still can’t force myself to go to the city library. Meantime, there they sit.

Because this post is about irony, I’m trying to find the irony in that previous paragraph, but it seems straightforward to me. Unless the irony isn’t in the paragraph so much as in the books. Although a lot of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time is utterly brilliant, an equal amount is plebian at best.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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Books and Surprises

May 15, 2026 — Pat Bertram
Daily writing prompt
What’s a book that completely surprised you?
View all responses

I can’t say that any book completely surprised me, though some books have surprised me, in both good and bad ways.

I am currently rereading Noel Barber’s novels. I finished Tanamera and am now on Sakkhara. Neither should have surprised me since I’d read them before, but they did surprise me, though I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I’ve always thought of Tanamera as a Malaysian Gone with the Wind, and Sakkhara as an Egyptian one, though to be honest, I never paid much attention to the romances that thread through the stories. To me, both of those books are about the exotic locations — Singapore and Cairo in the 1930s and 40s — and about the war experiences in those places as well as their problems with being British colonies. In both books, a British family is friends with a native family, and it’s through the relationship between those two families that the conflicts are filtered, and where the real story lies. What I especially like about the books is seeing World War II from a different perspective. Barber was a British war correspondent, so he tells the stories both from the British point of view as well as the location’s point of view. For example, the main war in Singapore and Malaya (as it was known then) was with the Japanese. And originally, the main war in Egypt was with the Italians before the Germans came.

All that is good, and what I remembered. What I didn’t remember — and why it came as a surprise — is that the romance is basically the same in both books and is rather boring: a love triangle (or maybe quadrangle) between the two families as well as an outsider that one of the brothers got pregnant and had to marry rather the woman he loved.

Not a problem, really. It’s no worse than most secondary romantic plots, though I found myself surprisingly on the side of the other brother. Though the first brother (the sort of hero) married not for love but because of his indiscretion, most things worked out for him. And in the end, so did the romance. While the other brother in both stories lost everything. (Makes me wonder if Barber had problems with his brother.)

Next on my list is Farewell to France, basically the same story as the other two, though — obviously — in France (in the Champagne district), and the hero is of American descent, not British. I don’t remember the romance part, though I would be willing to bet it too is the same.

Even though I found it surprising that I was so underwhelmed by the romance aspect and was surprised that the books told the same story, I still like them. It really is interesting seeing basically the same story told in three different countries showing three different perspectives of what truly was a world war.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

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Literary Tragedy

April 12, 2026 — Pat Bertram

The Kingkiller Chronicle by Patrick Rothfuss was supposed to be a trilogy, but to date, no third book has been published. Although rumor has it that the author is still working on The Doors of Stone, it’s been fifteen years since the publication of the second book, so who knows if the third will ever be available.

Though some people think it would be a tragedy (in the common sense of misfortune) if the trilogy were never be finished, I’m not sure I care. There’s an underlying feeling of doom in the two published books, which leads credence to the author’s warning that Kingkiller Chronicle is a tragedy (in the classic sense of a hero being destroyed by his own “fatal flaw”). If that’s the case, I’d rather leave the story in limbo, where he isn’t exactly happy, is tormented by his past, and yet is still alive, rather than have so much of the foreshadowing come true.

Unless . . .

The catharsis of a classic literary tragedy is supposed to be in the minds and emotions of the audience or reader, coming to terms with the inevitable downfall and dealing with the buried emotions the tragedy brings to the fore. But what if, in this case, the catharsis is actually experienced by the hero, and so he’s allowed to somehow come to peace with the actions that led to his downfall?

But then, it wouldn’t be a tragedy, though authors are allowed to subvert traditional story forms.

Still, that feeling of doom, of the hero falling for his own legend and often acting impulsively, leads me to believe that the hero won’t survive. Oddly, there is an irony inbred in his impulsiveness. Although he often acts without thinking (meaning rashly) and so brings about disaster, he also sometimes acts without thinking (meaning intuitively) and so brings about victory.

If the book ever comes out, I suppose I’ll read it. Knowing ahead of time that the hero will die would make it easier to handle the tragedy, especially if he comes out of his self-imposed exile to write whatever wrongs he committed. (Oops. I’m getting the writer and his self-imposed exile mixed up with his hero’s exile.) What I meant, of course, is that a tragic ending will be more acceptable if the character rights his wrongs.

I don’t know which would be more tragic, though — to get the final book and learn of the character’s death or not get the final book and miss out on the experience. Either way, the books I have were well worth the dime I spent for each.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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100 Days

April 10, 2026 — Pat Bertram

January seemed to pass so slowly, I was relieved to turn the calendar to February. If nothing else, it was proof that January wasn’t going to be the permanent fixture it felt like. Now suddenly, here we are, 100 days into the year. I haven’t kept track of the days and probably wouldn’t even have noticed how much time has passed, but I got a notification yesterday that I was on a 99-day blog streak. So today is not only the 100th day of the year, but also the 100th day of daily blogging.

That’s amazing to me, to have written so much this year. To be completely honest, I haven’t been able to write every day, but since some days I wrote an extra blog or two, I have been able to post every day, which counts as daily blogging, and certainly counts as part of the “streak.”

It’s funny how this blog seems to change. At the beginning, it was all about writing, then about promoting authors. Then, after Jeff died, it was all about grief. Once I bought my house, this became something of a gardening blog. Now it seems to be mostly a book blog, though I doubt that will last long. I’m still reading, of course, but I’m only reading the books in my own miniscule library, which means rereading and re-rereading the same books. Every once in a while, I think I should go to the library and pick out something different, but the thought of looking at those same shelves for the 1000th time changes my mind. (That number isn’t hyperbole. In the seven years since I’ve been here, I’ve gone to the library about 12 times a month. That’s a lot of library visits!) I’m sure someday I’ll return, but I can’t force myself to go back quite yet.

I look for books to buy, of course, but I want them to be in the mythological epic series category, where there’s depth and meaning not available on the first, second, or even third reading, and those books are hard to find. Some such books I enjoyed the first couple of times, especially when I was young, like the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but those stories got old. As did Harry Potter. Still, I continue to look.

The point I’m trying to make is that you can’t have a book blog without books, so I’m open to a new blog path to follow. Luckily, spring is coming. Oops. Spring is already here!! We are far from January!

Now that spring is here, I can go back to writing about gardening, assuming I can find a way to engage myself in the process rather than just going through the motions as I did last year. (I’ve already been doing a lot of work, such as weeding, digging up Bermuda grass, and watering, but nothing worth rhapsodizing about.)

Or I can continue to do what I’ve always done when it comes to blogging — just wing it. Write whatever comes to mind, and if the posts end up fitting in a category, that’s fine and dandy. If not, well, they still fit in a category — me. Ultimately, whatever the subject, it comes down to my thoughts and my life, even if my life is contained in the few thousand square feet of land I occupy.

But that’s all for the future. Today I am celebrating 100 days!

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

 

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Rereading and Re-rereading

April 9, 2026 — Pat Bertram
Daily writing prompt
What book could you read over and over again?
View all responses

I’ve spent the past couple of years rereading various mystery series from start to finish so I could get the full story of the character. Normally, I just picked books at random so sometimes a character is married, sometimes is just meeting the love of his/her life, sometimes is in full parental mode. All while being a cop or agent or private detective, of course.

After reading more than twenty thousand novels (plus thousands of non-fiction books), I’ve found a sameness to the stories, characters, situations, so that novels tended to overlap, which is why I didn’t think it would matter if I read these series again. Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy the books as much as I thought I would since (for me, anyway) most novels don’t have a lot of depth. What you see is what you get. I even went back and read books I’d read over and over when I was young, but the stories didn’t have the same pull for me now that they did back then. Of course, I’m not the same person now as I was back then, either.

Lately I’d been rereading the first eleven books of The Wheel of Time. (I have no interest in ever rereading the last three books by the makeshift author. Although readers seem to prefer them to the first eleven books, I find them to be overhyped drek.) There are so many layers to the books that Robert Jordan himself wrote, there are so many inspirations from and references to real life, so many interlocking characters to keep track of, that it’s taken me a long time to piece it all together. I’d think the difficulty of remembering in book ten what happened in book two would be a failing of my aged memory, but I do know one thing — I would not have had the patience for these books when I was younger, so any comparison is irrelevant. Nor would have read them then — I never liked that whole good vs. evil theme. It always seemed contrived. Besides, I know more of the world and its culture now than I did then, so the underpinnings of the story are more obvious to me, and those that aren’t are fun to discover.

I’m to the point, though, where I might have gleaned as much of the meaning and found as much of the puzzle as possible, so I might have to pack the books away, but for now, they still sit prominently on my book shelf while I read The Kingkiller Chronicle. Only the first two books of that Patrick Rothfuss trilogy have been published, but I’ll probably reread these books, too. Although there doesn’t seem to be much referencing to our myths and legends, there is a lot of inworld referencing that I’ll need to piece together someday.

I’ve been trying to find more rereadable books and series that I can sink my life into, but so far, no luck. The problem is, I’ve developed an aversion to going to our library (I’ve searched those shelves a thousand times and just can’t force myself to look even once more), so I will have to find rereadable books if I want to continue my lifelong habit of reading. There are a few other books on my shelf to go through, and there are the books I’ve written, of course, which are enjoyable to reread. (Though I have to confess, I’m a bit embarrassed by the reviews I posted here of those books. Talk about self-aggrandizement! So not my thing. Besides, every author feels the same way about their books, which makes those reviews even more cringeworthy.)

And after I’ve finished reading and rereading the books on my shelf? I don’t know. With any luck, I’ll find books to serve my reading needs.

On a completely different slant about these two series: I found a chapter-by-chapter outline by a reader showing where the final book of the The Kingkiller Chronicle might be going, which would be a good way to conclude the series if the author doesn’t ever manage to do it. I’d hoped to find something similar for The Wheel of Time, where the fans outlined what they hoped would happen, but I suppose having the finale written, no matter how badly, put the kibosh on any such online project. And anyway, I pretty much created my own ending, if only in my mind.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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Reading and Empathy

April 7, 2026 — Pat Bertram

I’ve often heard that reading fiction can help a person develop empathy, and that could be true. I’ve certainly spent a rather significant part of my life reading, and I also seem to have an enormous amount of empathy.

What I do know is that reading can also help inure a person to other people’s pain. Too many books describe in excruciating detail the agonies characters are going through, and I figure I’ve had more than enough pain in my life, I don’t need to feel made-up people’s made-up pain, so I’m trying to teach myself to hold back the empathy when I’m reading.

I’m currently reading The Name of the Wind, which is interesting enough to hold my interest, but so far not more than that. One major drawback is that the character is subjected to one terrible trauma after another — deaths, losses, beatings, disappointments. Whenever something good happens to him, almost immediately two or more bad things happen. Normally I wouldn’t bother continuing to read, but I bought the book (paid a whole dime for it!) and lugged the weighty volume home, so I feel as if I have some stake in the story. I imagine all this trauma is going somewhere, turning him into the character he is supposed to be (a wizard maybe?) but getting there isn’t fun.

So, I mentally stand apart from his pain. Refuse to imagine what he is going through. And dampen any empathy I might normally feel.

I’m still a long way from knowing if the book is worth reading, and even longer from knowing if the second book is worth it (even though I paid another dime for the second volume). And probably so far from ever reading the third volume as to be as close to never as never can be.

Apparently, the author waited to submit his trilogy until the whole thing was written (being a rather obsessive writer, it took him fifteen years), and after the first book was accepted, there were huge editorial changes, which supposedly made it a much better story. But as any writer knows, small changes ripple to make bigger changes later on, and if those changes weren’t small, then the changes are almost insurmountable. Still, he did make whatever changes were necessary to get the second book published, but the third never made an appearance. As you can imagine, all those changes to the first two books demanded that the third be rewritten almost from scratch, and the poor author ended up with severe writer’s block. Not only that, he had custody issues, his publishing company was sold, he developed mental health issues, and fans dumped on him. Which leads to the question of what a writer owes his readers.

[Wait a minute! Doesn’t this sound like a movie? I could have sworn I saw something like this once upon a time.]

Beyond the authorial problems, the major issue, from what I understand is that he got involved in a charity drive where he was supposed to give a chapter to those who donated, and he wasn’t able to write the chapter (and didn’t want to just haphazardly throw out anything to satisfy his obligation), nor could he give back the money since it didn’t go to him.

Whatever the reason, there will never be an end to the story, so if I want, I can imagine a happy ever after for the poor tormented character. I can’t do that for the poor tormented writer. He’ll have to find his own way.

But I can give this poor tormented reader a happy ending whenever I want. All I have to do is step away from the books emotionally. Or physically. It’s a book — if I set it down, it can’t come chasing me!

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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True Names

April 6, 2026 — Pat Bertram

I started reading Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Chronicle and only got a few pages into the book when I had to stop and research the belief that there is magic in names.  In The Name of the Wind, the first book of the two-book trilogy, someone falls, and since he knows the name of the wind, he calls the wind and the wind comes and gently lowers him to the ground. That struck a resounding chord in me. I’ve always known about the magic of names, but not necessarily in that context. I’d started the book years ago, might even have finished it, so the echo about the magic of knowing the name of something could have been from that very book, but the recognition seemed deeper than that, and I wanted to check it out.

I never did figure out what specifically triggered that echo. There are simply too many references to the magic of names and the power of true names to mention here. It seems to be a word-wide cultural belief, not just in folklore, fairy tales, and myth, but in practice. In some cultures, parents hid their children’s real name behind a secondary name to be commonly used because your true name holds power and anyone who knows that name has at least a modicum of power over you. Even today, without names being directly related to magic, names have a vast importance — think how long most parents-to-be deliberate on what to name their child. And how they have a second name to use when chastising their child, and sometimes even a third name to show a special affection.

This idea of a “true name” seems to be intrinsic, or at least it is in me. I remember as a youngster wanting to know the names of birds, and it shocked (and horrified) me when I realized the names we’ve given to the birds are just labels. They’re not their true names. I gave up any interest in learning bird names after that, because there didn’t seem to be much point to it. Now if I could learn birds’ true names, the names they give themselves, that would be something different!

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my author name should be because I needed as much power as possible bestowed on me and my books. I finally settled on the simplest version of my given name. After Jeff died, and I set out on my journey to find a new life, I met a lot of people. I hesitated to tell anyone my true name — I didn’t want strangers knowing much about me or having even that bit of power over me because I was already feeling vulnerable, so I gave them my author name. Besides, back then I still had hopes of becoming a known author (known to more than just a few people, that is), and I hoped that telling people my author name would help solidify my “brand.”

The problem with not using my true name is that when strangers became friends, it was too late to give them my true name. An even greater problem is that I don’t even know what my true name is anymore. I look for it occasionally but have no idea how to find it. Maybe when the birds tell me their names, they will be able to tell me mine, too.

It could happen.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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We Are Who We Are

April 5, 2026 — Pat Bertram
Daily writing prompt
If you could be a character from a book or film, who would you be? Why?
View all responses

If I could be a character from a book? That’s not a hard question for me because I am already a character in a book: Madame ZeeZee’s Nightmare, a novel about a murder that took place in a dance class. Sure, I wrote the book, but I am still a character in the story — the narrator, the one who set the murder in motion, the one who found out who the murderer was, the one who persevered while dealing with her own issues. And one of the dancers!

I discovered something interesting while writing that book — it’s much easier to write a novel when you’re the protagonist rather than making up a person to fill the role. I never had to figure out what the character thought — I knew exactly what she was thinking. I never had to create special internal conflicts for her because I have them galore. I never had to figure out her flaws because — well, I don’t have any flaws.

That started out as a joke, but it’s the truth. I don’t have flaws: I have personality traits and character traits that might not be the most admirable, but they are not “flaws.” They are part of what constitutes . . . me.

It’s why I hate the whole “flawed character” story structure. Authors don’t need to create explicit flaws for their characters. If the characters are real, they have traits that make up their personas. So what if they’re prideful or refuse to see anyone else’s point of view even to their own detriment? Those are still not flaws — they are intrinsic parts of who the characters are. They are what makes the characters come alive. If a peculiarity or failing is a part of the character, it can’t be a flaw because a flaw is a defect or a mistake or an imperfection, and since the traits an author gives a character are purposeful, they aren’t mistakes. And if the trait makes the character perfect for their role, then it can’t be an imperfection. Besides, who has the right to say that a certain trait is a defect? One person’s defect could be another person’s hard won survival mechanism.

As you can see, I take issue with that whole “flawed character” thing.

Luckily, I am not a flawed character! (Neither are you, if the truth be told. We are who we are.)

If I weren’t already a character in a book, who would I be? I wouldn’t. I have a hard enough time imagining me as me; imagining me as someone else would take more brainpower than I have at my disposal.

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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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Utterly Bizarre

April 3, 2026 — Pat Bertram

Reading my own books is utterly bizarre. I’ll be going along, involved in the story, loving what I’m reading, wondering what’s coming next. Whenever I’d stop to take a breath, it would stun me to realize I wrote the book. How is that even possible? Not the writing — I remember writing and rewriting and re-rewriting More Deaths Than One, for example, but except for a brief synopsis, the same one on the cover — “What if you returned home after years away and found someone with your face living your life . . .” — the story was completely new to me.

I do remember wondering if More Deaths Than One might be a tad amateurish, but I’m not finding that at all. Well, there is the girl with the eyes that sparkle perhaps too often, but even today, I wouldn’t know a different way of showing, from the hero’s point of view, how much he lit up her life. And there is . . . hmm, I don’t know . . . maybe a bit of passive storytelling, but I remember thinking that I wanted the relationship between the boy and girl to be of paramount importance as they discover the truth rather than a thriller-like chase. Whatever the case, I can no longer judge the merits of my books except for the very personal one of getting to read — and enjoy — these books as if for the first time.

I mentioned before that the “Pat Bertram” books were written by someone else, someone I’d been years before. In the case of More Deaths Than One, that someone is the person I was twenty-years ago, before Jeff died, before I went to California to take care of my father, before dance classes, before buying a house, before gardening. There’s been a lot of living in the past twenty years! No wonder there’s such a huge disconnect between the author I was and the reader I am.

Although the books were written in part for a future me, since back then (and still today) I have a hard time finding books that speak to me, I feared reading them again. What if I hated them? What if they struck me as abysmal as most books do nowadays? What if I were embarrassed by non-existent storytelling abilities? But whew! That’s not been an issue. (Well, I am a bit embarrassed by the sex scenes in More Deaths Than One. This is the only Pat Bertram book that has any, and as I’m beginning to see, they are an integral part of the character, but still . . .)

I have found a few changes to my submitted manuscripts (like the ones in Bob: The Right Hand of God that make me look as if I don’t know what I’m doing when in fact it was an editor who made the changes), a few words in both A Spark of Heavenly Fire and More Deaths Than One that mysteriously became hyphenated (more editor’s work, I suppose), and a stray typo or two. Despite those minor imperfections, the books all seem professional to me.

But yes, it’s utterly bizarre to be reading a book I wrote, breathlessly waiting to see what happens next. And it’s even more bizarre to be blown away by the ending. Whooo.

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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One.

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