end of the creeping darkness

Dredging Up a Bit of Festivity

November 29, 2022 — Pat Bertram

It snowed this morning and I also received my first Christmas card of the season. You’d think that would be enough to put me in the Christmas spirit (whatever that might be), or at least make me feel like digging out my Christmas decorations, but nope. The snow melted and the sun came out and anyway, I’m not one who gets all sentimental about a white Christmas. Admittedly, snow is pretty, especially when lights are reflected in the crystals, but it makes a mess of travel, unless, of course, one is traveling in a one-horse sleigh or behind a team of Clydesdales or eight or nine reindeer. But for traveling in a car? Snow and ice are not exactly conducive to safe travels.

Come to think of it, I don’t have to drive anywhere, so perhaps a white Christmas would be nice after all.

I did think about decorating again this year as I have every Christmas since I’ve moved here, but it seems a lot of work for just myself. In previous years, I have enjoyed seeing the house lit up with my bowls of light and my tree filled with ornaments that tell the story of my life, and perhaps as the solstice comes closer, I’ll be more willing to celebrate the end of the creeping darkness if nothing else.

Or not. The problem with decorating is that one eventually has to undecorate, and that takes even more energy than decorating does. At least, with decorating, you can have the fun of seeing things that have been packed away for a year.

On the other hand, what else do I have to do? There’s no gardening work to do, though I still water the lawn occasionally when the temperatures get into the mid-fifties and there’s been no moisture, and next month I’ll have to plant my wildflower seeds, but until then, I have all those hours I used to spend gardening to fill with other things so I don’t go through gardening withdrawal.

Luckily, it’s not even December yet, so I have plenty of time to dredge up a bit of festivity. And if I don’t? Well then, I don’t.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Posted in life. Tags: end of the creeping darkness, first Christmas card of the year, gardening withdrawal, what's the big deal about a white Christmas, white Christmas, winter solstice. 4 Comments »

The Days to Come

December 11, 2021 — Pat Bertram

It snowed a bit yesterday, our first snow of the season, though it wasn’t much of a snowfall. Big flakes floated down for about five minutes, dusted the ground like powdered sugar, then disappeared. When I saw at the last minute that snow was forecast (before that, they said it would pass us by), I considered planting my wildflower seeds, but I knew there wouldn’t be much snow because the daytime temperature was in the high thirties. Since it’s going to warm up in the next couple of days, I didn’t want the seeds to think that winter had come and gone and now it was spring and time to sprout. I still have time to plant, either right before or right after Christmas, to give the seeds a good start. After all, it’s still fall. Winter won’t come for ten more days.

I am preparing for the solstice. I set up my bowls of light, ready to celebrate the end of the creeping darkness. I even set up my little Christmas tree. I didn’t really feel like doing the work, but I thought it important to make some attempt at a festive atmosphere even if it is just for me. And anyway, I do enjoy seeing the ornaments I’ve collected over the years.

It is amusing, though — I’d just cleaned up the last speck of glitter from last year, and now I am glitterizing my house again. (Yes, Spellcheck, I do know glitterizing isn’t a word, but no matter how much you redline me, I’m leaving it.)

In three weeks, we start a new year. If you thought 1984 an inauspicious year because of the book by that name, 2022 should really creep you out. That’s the year the story in the film Soylent Green took place. Yikes.

Just one more thing to think about in the days to come.

***

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Posted in life. Tags: creating a character, decorating for Christmas, end of the creeping darkness, first snow of the season, spending Christmas alone, winter solstice. 7 Comments »

What Goes Up Must Come Down

November 12, 2015 — Pat Bertram

I find myself shying away from writing about what I am feeling now that many people I know in offline life read this blog. It was one thing telling my truth to strangers who were attracted to my words because they felt the way I did or who were curious to see what I wrote. It’s something completely different to worry those I encounter every day. Sometimes it takes more courage than I have to put myself out here in the blogosphere, especially if it shows me in a bad light, but not doing so hurts only me. For many years now, writing this blog has helped me find my way through the trials and trails of my life, and I need this now as much as I ever did. So here’s the truth, as far as I know.

20150903 120855 resized When I was in Crescent City, wandering through the Redwood Forest and meandering along the beach, I couldn’t imagine ever being unhappy again. And yet, here I am, slowly sliding into . . . Grief? Sorrow? Loneliness? Emptiness? Depression? Not really sure. I do know I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder, where the closing in of the darkness makes me SAD. (Which is why I always celebrate the end of the creeping darkness.) And allergies affect my mood more than they affect my sinuses. (Never have figured that out. In fact, my severe allergy reactions have sometimes been mistaken for mono or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.) It’s also possible the balance of life is kicking in — what goes up must come down, and I was “up” when I was up north. And now I am down in the southern part of the state.

Even worse than feeling down, I am finding people’s shenanigans hard to tolerate. Find their constant prattle . . . dare I say it? . . . boring. But I also find my time alone empty. (Come to think of it, this could be just plain old fashioned grief. I miss Jeff, still and always.)

I have never particularly liked this town where I find myself. I did love being close to the desert, but ever since my father’s house was sold, I’ve been city-bound when I’m here, trapped not just by miles of surrounding houses and businesses, but by first the heat and currently the chill winds. Now that I have my car back, I could drive to the desert to walk, but the desert doesn’t speak to me as it once did. Still, I will have to do something to catapult myself out of this particular phase. (Those of you who have been in this sort of situation understand the vicious circle. You know you need to walk off the exhaustion and sadness, but you are too sad and exhausted to get out there to do it.)

I sound as if I’m whining, and maybe I am. I know I sound self-centered, and that I definitely am. (It’s hard not to sound self-centered when you are writing about yourself.) Still, I am keeping busy in the hopes that busyness will stave off some of the sadness. Tomorrow I have ballet class, then a visit to a home show, and finally a movie and birthday party.

And in less than five weeks I leave on an extended road/camping/hiking trip. I worry about heading out in winter, but I know if I don’t do something, I will slowly fold in on myself, and I can’t allow that to happen. Won’t allow it to happen.

And guess what? It’s only 38 days, 19 hours, and 18 minutes until the end of the creeping darkness!!!

***

(Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, andDaughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.”)