I ended my last blog post with: And so I trudge the hills of grief, and treasure the moments of comfort I find. I meant it both figuratively and literally — I spend a couple of hours most days wandering in the desert hills near where I am staying.
I feel at times as if I am rewinding my life, our life. When the man I was to spend more than three decades with first came into my life, it was such an awesome change, that I felt restless. I would walk for hours trying to get used to this new vision (or version) of me. I wrote. And I read copiously. Now that he has left my life, it’s such a traumatic change that I feel restless. I walk for hours trying to get used to this new vision/version of me. Instead of walking through the tree-shaded parks and parkways of Denver, however, I tramp through the desert a thousand miles from where I started. Instead of poetry, I write prose. And I read copiously. These are the bookends of our shared life.
During the years of his illness, when I tried to imagine how it would be to live alone again after his death, I never imagined, never could imagine, the sheer void of his absence and with it, the absence of meaning.
Before I met him, I used to wonder about the meaning of life. Now, once again, I am wondering about the meaning of life. I hadn’t realized until after he was gone that during all those years we were together, I didn’t worry about meaning. We were together. That was all that mattered. Now that I am alone once more, the void of meaningless haunts me. Where am I going? And why?
I did have a bit of revelation out in the desert the other day. Instead of a stroke of clarity, I might have had heat stroke, but the end result is still the same. I walked for hours along a path because I was curious where it went, curious to see what was around the next bend, and it occurred to me that this experience could be a metaphor for my life. Perhaps finding meaning isn’t important. Perhaps it’s enough simply to follow the days and see where they lead.
(If you’re interested in seeing the photos I take on my mystical walks, you can find them here: Wayword Wind.)
July 8, 2010 at 7:32 pm
As always, I love your photos and the steps you are taking in your life each day. You inspire me and I, still, pray and think of you as you patiently walk your new journey.
July 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Beautiful pictures. Looks like a serene place to think. Thinking of you. Be safe.
July 9, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Thank you, Joyce and Joylene. I try to take care, and I try to be safe.
July 10, 2010 at 10:28 am
“Follow the days and see where they lead.” That sounds like a good way of living for many of us who are having difficulty making long term plans… the one step, one day at a time approach. We don’t know what tomorrow holds, but we do know Who holds our tomorrows, so we trust that we’ll be given the strength to carry on through all of them.
Blessings to you as you continue the journey.