When you love someone deeply, their well-being is as important to you as your own, but what do you do with that feeling when your someone is gone? Eight months ago, my life mate died, and now he has no need for stories to amuse or outrage him, no need for tasty meals to tempt his appetite, no need for comfort or caring or kindness, and yet my habit of thinking of him remains. Eventually, I imagine, the habit will wear itself out, but for now I still find myself thinking of ways to make his life a bit easier or a bit more enjoyable.
After eight months, I am still in . . . not shock, exactly, but a state of non-comprehension. I can’t comprehend his death, his sheer goneness. I can’t comprehend his life, though perhaps that is not for me to bother about. Most of all, I can’t comprehend my sorrow. I never saw much reason for grief. Someone died, you moved on. Period. I thought I was too stoic, too practical to mourn, and yet, here I am, still grieving for someone who has no need for my sorrow.
Despite my continued grief, I am moving on. My sporadic tears do not stop me from accomplishing the goals I set myself, such as NaNoWriMo and daily walks. My sorrow doesn’t keep me from taking care of myself — or mostly taking care of myself. (I don’t always eat right, and I don’t always sleep well.) Moving on, as I have learned, is not about abandoning one’s grief, but moving on despite the grief.
Grief is much gentler on me now, and I can sidestep it by turning my mind to other things, but I don’t always want to. I have not yet reached the point where thoughts of him bring me only happiness, and I need to remember him. If tears and pain are still part of that remembrance, so be it.
We shared our lives, our thoughts, our words — we talked about everything, often from morning to night — yet even before he died, we started going separate ways, he toward his death, me toward continued life. I often wonder what he would think of my grief, but just as his life is not for me to try to comprehend, my grief does not belong to him. It is mine alone.
And so the months pass, eight now. Soon it will be a year. Sometimes it feels as if he died only days ago, and I expect him to call and tell me I can come home — I’ve proven that I can live without him, so I don’t have to continue to do so. Sometimes it feels as if he’s been gone forever, that our life together wasn’t real, perhaps something I conjured up out of the depths of my loneliness. Sometimes my grief doesn’t even feel real, and I worry that I’ve created it out of a misguided need for self-importance. Such are the ways of grief, this strange and magical thinking. This could be magical thinking, too, but it seems to me that having survived eight months of grief, I can survive anything.
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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.
Bertram's Blog 
November 27, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Pat, It was the death of my wife, Cynthia, that led me into writing, with my book The Tender Scar: Life After The Death Of A Spouse, so I’ve walked where you’re walking now. It’s been eleven years now, and yet there are occasional times and triggers that still touch me. Our journey doesn’t take us back to where we started, but rather we travel to a new normal. May God bless your steps.
November 27, 2010 at 7:14 pm
December 30th will be four years since we lost Jody. The hole feels as raw as it did the first month. I find your attitude and approach to time passing as healthy and encouraging. Your words are like a warm blanket on a chilly night. Thanks, Pat.
November 28, 2010 at 12:21 am
hugs Pat
November 28, 2010 at 5:52 am
Your words bring up memories. Yes, grief is not really about the one missed. It’s about the one left with a huge hole in his/her heart, mind, gut. Moving on is not easy when healing must happen at the same time. You are healing and moving and coping. I like your recognition of the separation beginning while his departure was approaching: “yet even before he died, we started going separate ways, he toward his death, me toward continued life”…
At the beginning of grief, I thought of my deceased husband only in his four-year death march of suffering, but as a few years passed, the memories of his struggles diminished and the good memories of our lives together emerged. When I think of him now, it is with fondness. We have both left our pain behind.
March 29, 2014 at 3:58 am
Hi pat. I am seven months grieving the loss of my wife. I have moved from constant disbelief and shock to more of a low burning emptiness and realization that I have to move on alone. We were successfully married for 22 years ( lots of it good, some of it irritating for both of us!) and now I’m just going day by day with no real blueprint for the future. In some ways is don’t want it to get any easier because I don’t want to disrespect my memory of debbie and what a great person she was by not feeling her loss deeply and constantly. The more days that pass mean that it is further and further away from a time when things were normal and our family was intact. But every so often, I just can’t believe it happened.
March 31, 2014 at 1:48 pm
Even at seven months, it’s still so new. We have this idea we should be “over it” in six months, a year, two years, whatever, but although it does get easier, we are never completely “over it.” Our lives were changed first when we fell into love and second when we fell into grief. I still can’t fathom the loss or the change in my life, still don’t have a blueprint.
Wishing you peace in the coming months.
March 22, 2015 at 12:03 pm
Thank you Pat, for sharing your story, I have just read through it, my husband died whilst I was out, when I came back in I discovered his body……. I didn’t say goodbye! I didn’t know he was going to die. It somehow feels that he’s walked away from 47 years of marriage without an explanation….. It hurts…. It hurts so much, I like you have been very stoic not wanting to worry my children, I to have learned to ” get on with the day to day things ” but. Deep inside I don’t know what to do.. I feel totally lost. It’s nine months now. Does it really get easier people keep telling me it does ……..
March 22, 2015 at 12:48 pm
I know it hurts. Sometimes it’s probably so bad you cannot even breathe. It will get easier, I promise you, but not for a very long time — maybe three years. Nine months might seem like a very long time, but in the world of grief, it’s not much time at all.
It’s now five years for me. I still have times of pain and sorrow, but I also have times of happiness. I have new interests in life, so that helps. To be honest, though, I still feel lost sometimes, still miss him, but in a way, I’m glad I do. As I move further away from our shared life, it feels good to have the reminder that once he lived.
I wish I could say something to make it easier, but even after all this time, I have no real words of wisdom. It’s just a matter of living, I guess. Waking up every morning and facing the day however you can. And one day you will remember him with gladness.
If you need to talk, I’m here. You can tell the truth here.
March 23, 2015 at 4:37 am
Bless you Thank you so much, I know it’s different for everyone, And we all have to deal with our grief in our own way. but some days it’s just so hard. X
March 23, 2015 at 7:06 am
Some days the only way I could get through another minute of agony was to scream. Screaming helps.
Wishing you peace and eventually new happiness.
February 8, 2016 at 4:50 pm
Pat, your book has helped me such a great deal – I lost my husband suddenly after 56 years of marriage – went to work that morning nothing wrong and found him dead on my return. I long for just one hour with him to say goodbye properly just to have that last kiss and loving arms around me – instead I had to just carry on without him and the earth feels so miserably empty without him. Now after eight months with such a heavy load of grief behind me I am at least not wailing and weeping every night and somehow paradoxically I am missing that grief laden moments – for every day that I don’t cry I feel guilty and somehow I feel that he is slipping away and that bothers me so deeply. Can I be so shallow?? has our love not been strong enough for me to continue to feel so absolutely grief laden that I can hardly function and thinking that I am the greatest fraud with everyone telling and praising me on how strong I am !!! Little do they know the liquid grief laden me hiding in the night. Now that I can function better and can cope with the sudden waves that can overcome you , now I feel guilt?? and even miss it???
Thank you again you have made the path easier and more acceptable.
February 8, 2016 at 7:18 pm
Oh, Hettie, I am so very sorry for all you are going through. I am glad telling of my own pain made a difference. Know that you are not shallow and that your love was strong. Grief goes through many permutations, and many of us did grieve the loss of grief. Grief is still a link to the emotional life we shared with our loved one, and the loss of that grief severs one more link. I missed my grief. It was real and immediate and made me feel connected to him because it continually reminded me that he was once a major part of my life. I still miss him, and I still miss that feeling of straddling eternity that grief gave me, as if he took part of me with him when he left. If I have any advice to give it’s to accept however you feel because however you feel is right. Wishing you peace.
April 12, 2019 at 2:39 pm
When I read your words I realised that eight months on I could have written them.
We were married for 37 years and I find it so difficult not having my husband to talk to and share the day’s happenings with.
I don’t think I will ever “get over” losing him. I do want to stop feeling sorry for myself and most of the time I’m ok but I am still not sure where I go from here.
April 12, 2019 at 5:56 pm
Feeling sorry for yourself is part of grief. Why shouldn’t we feel sorry for ourselves? People always tell us they are sorry for our loss, so why can’t we be sorry? We’re the ones going through the trauma of the loss. We’re the ones who have to live without the one person who made life worth living. We’re the ones who no longer have someone to discuss all the day’s happenings with. We’re the ones who have to start over with no idea where to go from here.
To a great extent, we can’t really decide where to go from here until we become the person who knows. Grief helps us become the person who can survive the loss and even thrive, but that takes more than months. It can take a couple of years or more to get to a point of renewal.
I realize I’m not much help, but I do know that this feeling sorry for yourself and not knowing where to go are all parts of the grieving process.
What helped me was to do things he and I hadn’t done together. It helped take me out of the mindset of our shared life, and gave me memories to help buffer the pain.
Wishing you peace and you try to figure out where to go from here.
July 23, 2019 at 7:28 am
I googled grief eight months later and found your site immediately thank you for your beautiful and real words . I lost my 28-year-old son from an accidental overdose he wants to go and I find that some months have been as hard as the first week like you I’m going through the motions of life and trying to experience it as I know he would want me to. as you said my grief is my own nobody can experience it as I do because nobody had the same experience with Nicky as I did . He was such an amazing kid so kind thoughtful beautiful caring and extremely intelligent OK could never find a way to put pen to paper and his life always use big ideas but never wanted to put in the work together as his depression and other issues held him back from that at his memorial the maid words I heard from people were he had the greatest soul and he did . I’m going to challenge myself this year by doing an NPR story telling event that is my goal as they want to keep his memory out there . People say when you’re feeling really sad call or text me and it’s just so hard to reach out to people when you’re feeling that way . Through all this I’ve found that I have some really great people in my life . I’ve also been quite astonished by the people I thought were my very good friends and family not being as supportive as I thought they would be and that hurts . Through Nicks addiction he never stole from us or was out to hurt anyone except himself . His beautiful girlfriend found him and is dealing with the aftermath of trying to help someone with depression and substance abuse and then finding them Gone. I feel like he’s always with me and when I get really sad I feel him saying mom I’m OK now life is just too hard , and although his death was an accident he suffered with severe depression because of substances in before them.I call it chemical Russian roulette. Such a Major part of our grief is the what if’s maybe he could’ve gotten clean had more help for his depression( although he went to support groups and saw my therapist on a regular basis ) we always had hoped that he would get better but he didn’t . Some people say losing your child is the worst thing that could happen and it does feel that way but grief is grief to me and each person goes through their own thing , whether it’s a partner of friend your pet or your child .
July 23, 2019 at 5:17 pm
I too have heard that grief at losing a child is the worst, so my heart goes out to you. And yes, grief is just too hard. People who say to call don’t understand how difficult it is some days just to breathe. Making a call is simply impossible. If it’s any help, you do eventually learn to live with it, but it takes a whole heck of a lot longer than a few months. And with all the additional issues surrounding his death, it will take a very long time. So be patient with yourself. Read more of my grief blogs if you need to. Try to take care of yourself. Wishing you peace.
October 18, 2022 at 2:45 pm
My husband passed 8months ago we were together for over 30yrs (teenagers when we met). Some days I feel like I have control of the next chapter, and some days I feel like I’m loosing my mind (almost bipolar)! I am 51yrs old and although it’s getting a little easier I’m not ready for the “let go” but I know he would want me too move on.
October 18, 2022 at 8:05 pm
I’m sorry about your husband. It’s a hard thing to deal with, not just the pain but because of the loss of control. You are not losing your mind. It’s the nature of grief. From my experience, you will have okay days and painful days for a long time. Take care of yourself.