Advice to the Newly Bereft

A couple of newly bereft joined the grief group I go to, and seeing how lost and bewildered they are showed me how far I have come these past months. I’ve reached a modicum of peace (though I still have moments of intense grief) and I don’t feel quite so lost and bewildered.

The Kubler-Ross formula for grief is so ingrained in all of us that we think those are the only stages of grief, but I have discovered dozens of phases more universal and potent than denial, guilt, anger, depression. Loss and bewilderment are two such phases. They are major components of grief, though I haven’t found them listed anywhere as a stage the bereft have to deal with.

The worst problem of grief, of course, is that someone who was a vital part of our life is dead. The second worst problem is that we are flooded with so many emotions, topped off with excruciating pain, that it is almost impossible to sort everything out. All these emotions gridlock the brain’s synapses, and we are left feeling lost and alone and totally bewildered. Where did our loved one go? How can he no longer be here? How can the world continue without his presence? How can I continue without his support and love? How can he be so very gone?

That “loss” everyone tells us they are sorry for is not our loved ones. Our loved ones are not lost, not misplaced; they are dead. We bereft are the ones who are lost. Whatever place we thought we had in the world is gone, perhaps forever. The world is different without our loved ones, and this is especially so if the dead we loved was a life partner, a soul mate. They’d become such a part of the fabric of our lives, of our very being, that when death rips them from us, we no longer recognize ourselves. We wander lost, bewildered, in this alien world. Some people manage to find themselves again, others become so changed they never find their way back.

I’d gone through the typical stages of grief before my life mate — my soul mate — died. I’d denied, raged, bargained, accepted, so that I thought I was “over” him, that after his death, my life would continue, sadder, but not much different. The depth of my grief, my loss, my pain, my bewilderment stunned me. I’d gone through all the stages of grief, so I should be okay, right? Wrong. Real grief begins where those so-called stages of grief leave off. Those stages of grief were first noted as the way people learned to accept their coming death, and they bear only a shadow of a resemblance to what those left behind experience.

My life mate and I used to talk about who had it worse — I thought he had it worse because he was the one suffering. He thought I had it worse. It turns out he was right. His suffering is over, but mine will last the rest of my life. My grief will continue to change, to go through additional changes, will abate, might even be forgotten at times, but it is now a part of my life.

And he is not.

That is the crux of the issue, the cause of all that bewilderment, pain, and loss. How do you live with someone who is no longer there? How do you live without them? Here’s how: you find comfort wherever you can, however you can. (Besides drink and recreational drugs, that is.) No matter what you do to get through the worst of your pain, no matter how crazy it is, be assured that others have done it, too. Hug the urn with his ashes, carry his identification, smell or cuddle or wear his clothes, talk to him, scream for him, cover the wall with his photos, write to him, write blogs about your grief. Do whatever it takes to get you through, because, as hard as it is to accept, you are still alive.

6 Responses to “Advice to the Newly Bereft”

  1. Carol Ann Hoel Says:

    You say it so well… Blessings, Pat…

  2. leesis Says:

    so well written Pat. I feel folk surrounding the griever often forget that when we experience a loved one dying there is actually two major deaths in that moment… the death of our loved one and the death our own life as we have lived until that moment.

  3. Wanda Says:

    I am continually amazed at the depths you show in writing about your own grieving. It is so immediate, so real that it stuns me. I’ve never experienced what you’re going through, never loved anyone enough that the loss of them would stagger me this way…. except my children and now my grandchildren.

    What you’re giving the world with the window into your grief is something rare and valuable: the knowledge that others have walked this path and come out the other side.

    Bless you.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      It’s all so odd to me. We weren’t a romantic couple. We were just . . . us. We were so used to the connection, it seemed like no connection at all. I even told the hospice team that I’d be okay after he died, that I’d already moved on. They just shook their heads and said, “you have no idea how much you love each other, do you?” What we took for granted seemed very obvious to them. I’m still not sure I’d call our connection love, but there’s no other possible word for it. Now that the connection has been broken, it feels as if part of me has been amputated. Life made sense when we were together. Now it doesn’t. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

  4. Charlotte M. Liebel Says:

    Hello Pat,
    Writing about my future loss prior to getting to it. It is a current attempt to prepare for losing that one someone who enjoys your company and you enjoy theirs. I liked you last paragraph, after: “And he is not.”
    Charlotte M. Liebel
    aka Sharliebel

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I’m not sure you can prepare yourself to any great extent. Being with the person now as much as possible is the only real way. As for dealing with grief — Grief: The Great Yearning is compiled of blog posts, letters to Jeff, and journal entries from my first year. Many people find that following my grief journey on a day-to-day basis via the book helps them deal with their own grief.

      Grief: The Inside Story is a much more comprehensive look at grief, explains more about what grief is, why the current teachings are wrong, and helps people understand that their great grief, while agonizing, is normal.

      If you’re only going to get one book, get Grief: The Inside Story. You don’t have to read it cover to cover, but can use it like a guide book or a reference book.

      I am sorry you are dealing with all this. Best wishes.

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