Ever since the death of my life mate/soul mate, I’ve been trying to rebuild my life, but in a better way, perhaps to find a deeper connection to the universe or simply to be more open to what is. I haven’t known how to do this — no matter what I do, I always seem to be just me, a sad and lonely woman struggling to fit all the pieces together.
Today out walking in the desert, I had a bit of a revelation. I understood that we are all a mass of conflicts and contradictions, with mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional needs and wants all striving for ascendancy. Nothing is in harmony. But . . . if we could find a way to strike a balance with all these elements they would fit together like a zipper, and then the whole universe would fall open to us.
For example, I have a friend who is struggling with health issues. The diet she can eat for her gall bladder troubles is the worst diet for her irritable bowel syndrome, and the diet she can eat for her irritable bowel syndrome is the worst she can eat for her gall bladder issues. The few foods she can eat, she doesn’t like, and the foods she likes she can’t eat.
If she could find a balance in her diet, the perfect way of eating to take each of her issues into consideration, maybe everything in her life would also fall into place. (In addition to her health problems, she’s struggling with grief and family issues.) I doubt things will work out easily in her situation — her doctors tell her she needs gall bladder surgery, which is one solution to one of her problems.
I don’t have her problems. My conflicts are nebulous, having more to do with who I am and who I want to be, what I want and don’t want rather than health issues, but they still bring disharmony to my life.
Getting rid of all conflicts is one way to find harmony (just as surgery is a way to solve part of my friend’s health problems) but the trouble with removing conflicts from your life rather than resolving the conflicts is that it subjects you to disharmony if a conflict finds its way back in.
I don’t know if this zipper idea is true or not. I don’t know if it’s possible. I wouldn’t even know how to go about striking a balance with all life’s disharmonious elements, but it seems to me as if it’s a goal worth striving for, if only to find out what will happen when the zipper is finally opened.
Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Follow Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.