I went to lunch with a few friends today. One is dealing with an aged mother who seems to either be bipolar or downright evil, jealous of her own daughter and unable to say a single nice thing to her. Another woman had such a mother, and the mother’s death set her free.
When it comes to a parent, I can see that perhaps you have no choice but to deal with her (or him) as best as you can, but how much responsibility does one grown sibling have for another? If the sibling has some sort of mood disorder (undiagnosed and untreated), are you obligated to put up with their invectives and haranguing? And if so, how do you deal with it without being destroyed in the process?
If the mood-disordered sibling is also homeless, are you obligated to give that sibling a home? If you’re not in a position to give the sibling a home, what then are you supposed to do? Is it ever okay to walk away and leave the sibling to deal with life as best as possible on the streets? What if the sibling is suffering with once broken bones that were never set and other painful issues because of a lack of insurance? And what if the sibling is also an alcoholic? How much responsibility do you have then, especially if the sibling doesn’t want to hear anything you have to say and misinterprets even the smallest gesture of kindness, such as the offer of a bit of food?
Is one ever free from the situation? If you walk away, how do you keep your heart from breaking? If you stay in contact, being subjected to so much anger and hatred, how do you keep your spirit from breaking?
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Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.
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October 10, 2013 at 7:22 pm
I don’t know. All I know is, it’s better that my siblings and I don’t live in the same house anymore. We can argue with enough blood and anger to make rival gangs in New York say “DAMN!”
October 11, 2013 at 7:58 am
You pose an answer within a questions well methinks!
October 11, 2013 at 7:29 pm
I think…sibling or not…we have a responsibility to offer assistance to each other if we can. It doesn’t mean they will be nice to us, or thank us.
October 13, 2013 at 10:00 am
I’m afraid you’re right. It’s hard, though, when there’s nothing much you can do except be a verbal dartboard. I am learning not to take anything he says personally, though. Also learning to let it go so it doesn’t ruin more that the moment.
October 13, 2013 at 5:34 pm
yeah it is hard. But the thing is the words they say aren’t really aren’t personal…the heated words of a person who is struggling are a reflection of their pain nothing more. In truly understanding this you don’t take it personally and it doesn’t ruin anything because you know its really just the person crying. Of course you need to know your own boundaries and withdraw when its too much and then return when you can.