I’m trying not to think of my upcoming eviction. Well, it’s not really an eviction, more of a displacement. When my father’s house is put on the market after probate, I will be losing my place to stay. I’m trying to take each day as it comes, enjoying the peace that comes from completing a difficult task and the comfort of familiarity, but occasionally I give in to a moment’s worry about what is to become of me. I could have a lot of years ahead of me, and I have no idea what to do or where to go. I have no desire to live in any particular place and no passion for anything at the moment except dancing.
I only know three things — I won’t be going home to my deceased life mate/soul mate as I yearn to do, I won’t have enough money to indulge myself (at least not for long), and I want to continue taking dance lessons. The normal thing to do, of course, would be to rent an apartment around here for a while, but I’ve been reading want ads for apartments, and oh, I so do not want to live any of those places. And affordable motels around here are . . . well, they’re not the sort of places one would want to afford.
I will need a place to sleep and to find respite from the frantic world, but the idea of settling down sends my internal alarms screaming. It’s not just the possibility of stagnating that concerns me, but also being stuck with a lease, utility bills, neighbors, barking dogs. It feels like entrapment and not at all the life of a wild woman or an adventuress.
It’s possible something will happen in the next couple of months to solve my problem, but waiting for something to happen is not much of a plan. For now, not to decide is to decide, but eventually, not deciding will mean living in my miniscule vehicle, and that is not possible. No internet. No bathroom facilities. No way to stretch out to sleep. (Notice my priorities? Internet comes first!)
Actually, if I have to leave here with nowhere to go, I’ll just get a motel room for a while, affordable or not. If nothing else, it would force me out of my routine, which might not be a bad thing. It’s hard to think outside of the housing box when I’m sitting in a shuttered room.
Since I can’t come up with a solution to my dilemma, it’s best if I continue trying not to think. And who knows, maybe waiting for something to happen will turn out to be a good plan after all.
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Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.
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November 6, 2014 at 4:37 pm
Forgive me if this has already been answered in previous posts, but since the home is going on the market, is there any possibility you can buy it? If not, perhaps the new owners would rent it to you? I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation…but something will come along that will fit your needs. Hopefully sooner than later.
November 6, 2014 at 4:42 pm
I can’t afford it, and even if I could, I wouldn’t. It’s way too big and costly to run, and would have the same effect of tying me down. I don’t really have any attachment to the house — it’s been a place of sorrow for me. Both parents died here, and this is where I came to suffer with my grief for Jeff.
While writing this post, I realized I don’t have to make any decision. If I do go to a motel for a while, it doesn’t have to be for very long. If something doesn’t come up before I leave here, it might come up afterward. The whole dilemma is more a function of my remaining grief than simply a housing problem.
There is nothing to forgive, of course. I appreciate your concern.
November 6, 2014 at 4:46 pm
I fully and completely understand when you say you have no attachment to the house and that its a place of sorrow for you as I am living in that same type of house. One of sorrow where my husband and my mother both died of pancreatic cancer within a year of each other. I never liked the house and don’t like it now, BUT the thought of packing up…packing what? and moving is rather daunting. The difference for me is that Mike and I bought this house so many years ago the mortgage is cheaper than paying rent somewhere. The idea of living in an apartment…with NEIGHBORS! ugh…horrible concept. You really don’t need to make any decision right now. In fact that in itself is a decision isn’t it? Decide to make no decision. Life does have a way of changing things, presenting options that we would never have considered prior to certain events changing our every day routine. Instead of staying in the area you’re in, consider moving to a completely different state? Where cost of living is less and more to your personal liking?
November 6, 2014 at 5:00 pm
I know what you mean — it’s all so daunting. I am astounded you can still live in the house — it about killed me just the two months I stayed in our home after he died. I kept expecting to see him and kept listening to him. Even now, I couldn’t go back. It would be more sorrow than I can handle. Eventually, I will leave this area — I have no real desire to settle down here. For now, I have friends and dancing, but one day they will be gone — nothing stays forever.
I like that — deciding to make no decision. There. It’s done. I won’t make any decisions for at least a month!
November 6, 2014 at 6:24 pm
Oh it was extremely difficult and painful! But I was do distraught I could barely function and actually never left the house. I was surrounded by his things and that was comforting. I didn’t touch anything of his, not even his slipped at the side of the bed for months. I figured there will be a time I will get to that chore and the time came after about 5 months. I I didn’t have anyone coming over to nudge me into movement either! What did finally get me moving again was getting sued by his ex-wife (funded by my in-laws) . She wanted 100k AND the stupid house! While I didn’t like the house, didn’t want it I sure want letting her and her greed get it! Lol. Yes, I win in the end. Maybe that softened my dislike for the house, a little. But it’s huge, 3200 sq feet and I do wander around through the rooms and am greeted by memories. Tuesday ess the anniversary of his death and I found myself going into his office did the first time in almost a year. Time does soften ( though never erases) the pain. Ok then! You’ve made a major decision!!!! Congrats! Lol no further decision needed for 30 days. What a load off your shoulders!
November 6, 2014 at 7:50 pm
Why not get an RV and go on the road? At the very least, you’ll get some life and won’t have to settle down for a while. You can meet some of the bloggers you’re always conversing with. And you could get ideas for stories (I got 40 ideas for stories while I was in Europe).
November 7, 2014 at 6:11 pm
that is exactly what i was going to suggest. I have a few friends who have done the RV route and love it. gives them flexibility, freedom and is not that expensive.
something to look into.
I just read a post and your blog about staying on in a parents house. we bought my parents last house which is not where i grew up. It took about a year before i really felt comfortable as i was living with my dad when he passed and i kept reliving the night. Now (for the most part) i am glad we got the house. it is comfortable and we are able to relax here and really enjoy the community. ( and if you are ever in Denver please come by… you are also welcome to stay
November 7, 2014 at 6:26 pm
For sure if/when I come through Denver, I will look you up! It will be good to see you.
November 7, 2014 at 7:30 pm
Or in Columbus. Come by if you want some company and a good time.
November 9, 2014 at 3:57 pm
You’re on my list.
November 9, 2014 at 6:50 pm
Yes!
November 7, 2014 at 5:38 am
Pat, I understand exactly what you say when there is no place in particular you want to go. That is why I did the RV thing. You don’t have to get a big one, just one large enough to sleep, eat and travel in. Mine isn’t huge, but it has everything I need. You don’t even have to go anywhere, it is just a little house on wheels without all the extra expense.
I am hoping at some point, I will find a place that feels like home and settle in. It may never happen, but it definitely wouldn’t happen if I hadn’t tried.
November 7, 2014 at 3:49 pm
I haven’t been interested in an RV, but now I’m wondering if a mini RV that’s basically just a bed, potty, and hot plate on wheels would suit me.
November 7, 2014 at 4:31 pm
I was just going to mention a woman I worked with. She had a small camping trailer and she went all over – she was living in Tucson when the job in Vegas came up so she came out here and found a place to park it and lived here for a year and a half and then she went some place else – Florida maybe, I’m not sure. We’ve kicked that around ourselves cuz the road calls…
November 7, 2014 at 5:41 pm
I didn’t think I could afford any sort of RV, but perhaps I can swing it. It certainly would be cheaper than living in motels for a year or two. And if it’s small and cramped, it would have the added benefit of making me live more outside.
November 7, 2014 at 6:43 pm
Oooooh, I like this idea for you! Your own little home you can take wherever!
November 7, 2014 at 10:14 pm
Something that can be driven as a car, too. That’s more my style than a whopper of an RV.
November 7, 2014 at 5:39 pm
[…] Waiting For Something to Happen […]
November 8, 2014 at 5:56 am
RV’s are a lot less expensive than a motel or an apartment. Start researching them, see what is out there and what will suit your needs. There is a model for everyone from very basic to palatial rolling homes. I decided what I wanted, then started looking. It took me six months to find this one, but it was just the right one for me. There are even tiny ones that could be pulled behind your VW. But that might be smaller than what you want.
I still have way too much stuff in mine and once I hit Quartzsite and get settled in for the winter, I want to see if I can free up some space. I don’t know how long I am going to do this, but I haven’t found what I am looking for yet. I don’t know if I ever will.
Check out this blog…this is a new friend of mine that lived full time in her car. http://www.thegoodluckduck.com/ Although she bought a place to use as a home base recently, she live in her car for a long time
November 8, 2014 at 5:59 am
And you don’t have to do campgrounds. There is plenty of wide open space, state parks, Wal Marts, truck stops, Cracker Barrels, to over night in. In the two plus months I have been out, I have only spent four nights in a campground and three of those nights was because KC was sick, the fourth was a recharge night, water, tanks, laundry, etc.
I’m not a campground kinda person.
November 8, 2014 at 3:57 pm
How do you get your internet?
November 9, 2014 at 3:20 am
Right now I have a little StraightTalk wifi modem. I am looking for a less expensive alternative, but it might be a long wait. A lot of people have a data plan on their smart phones they use as modems. I just don’t want to lock myself in for two years unless I think it is really worth it. I pay $75 for 7 gig, and I have to do that about twice a month with my website work and if I watch anything online. I do miss my $45 unlimited DSL, but I am online so I guess I can’t complain too much. I haven’t had any problems connecting so far either.
November 9, 2014 at 3:56 pm
By the time I’m ready to head out, you’ll be an experienced hand at this sort of living. I’ll probably beg for help!
November 8, 2014 at 7:00 am
I don’t know about Arizona, but in Massachusetts, probate takes more than a year. So you have plenty of time to mull over your options.
November 8, 2014 at 7:54 am
In Florida, they have some beautiful campgrounds with large trees and green lush grass and pads to park on. It is in upper Florida off of a main highway. Beautiful! FREE
November 9, 2014 at 6:57 am
There are also tiny houses that you can buy and hitch to your car. You can travel anywhere your heart desires. Tiny houses go for under 30K and can be built for what you need. Good luck.
November 9, 2014 at 1:14 pm
Check out rv-dreams.com – tons of information about living in an RV or camper or trailer full-time. Setting up mail, internet, choosing from different kinds of vehicles, recreation, community, activities (maybe even dance) and everything you need to know.
November 9, 2014 at 3:53 pm
Yes, wonderful information! I especially liked the workamping idea. Thank you!
November 9, 2014 at 3:55 pm
I love the idea of a tiny house. I wonder if I could make one, make it truly my own. If not, I found a shell that isn’t outrageously priced. I could outfit the interior. Could be a great project! (Or not. I’ve never built anything but dollhouses.)