Today marks four years and eleven months since my life mate/soul mate died. Next month it will be five years. I haven’t been actively mourning the entire time he’s been gone so the title is misleading on that account, but the world changed forever when he left, catapulting me into a world of grief that will always be a part of me.
These lonely years seem unfathomable to me on so many levels.
Unfathomable that I have survived the horrendous pain and angst of grief that made it impossible to catch my breath at times.
Unfathomable that I’ve managed to live without him.
Unfathomable that I am still here.
Unfathomable that I still get up every morning.
Unfathomable that I have found much happiness, and unfathomable that I still am beset by sadness.
Unfathomable that I smile so easily and unfathomable that I am just as easily brought to tears.
Unfathomable that he’s been gone so long — it seems just a few months ago we made our final goodbyes.
Unfathomable that he was ever a part of my life — our life together seems like a faded dream.
Unfathomable that I will not be going home to him now that I no longer have to look after my father.
Unfathomable that the world continues to spin, the sun to shine, the moon to glow, the winds to blow.
Unfathomable all the nevers — never see him again, never see his smile, never hear his voice, never cook another meal with him, never watch another movie with him, never discuss another book, never . . . never . . . never . . .
Unfathomable that I still yearn for him.
Unfathomable.
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Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.
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February 27, 2015 at 5:04 pm
Not unfathomable at all……I feel your grief after 4 years and 5 months. I still am so sad some days and know that I am depressed sometimes, but it is getting better as there seems to be longer stretches between my moods. I really did not ever think about losing my husband (who does unless in just a passing thought) and my loss was unexpected so I still have a hard time realizing that I really never got to say goodbye and thank him for our 47 years. I am still in the home we raised our family in and probably will be until my own passing, which some days is unbearable. I have enjoyed reading your blog as it gives me facts relating to some one else’s grief, which is helpful for me. Whatever you do in the future…..may you have peace on your continued journey.
February 28, 2015 at 4:00 pm
I think as the years pass, being in the same house would be comforting, but I couldn’t bear being there and feeling that emptiness. You are braver than I am. What a strange half-world this world of grief is. Wishing you peace, too.
February 28, 2015 at 6:11 am
Definitely unfathomable. I just passed my five year mark. A few tears, but pretty much business as usual. Thinking of you.
February 28, 2015 at 3:56 pm
Yeah, business as usual. But cripes. Five years? In all that time he couldn’t have stopped by to tell me how he’s doing?
February 28, 2015 at 7:43 am
Grief can become selfish if you let it; the state of mourning can assume an identity and become part of you. When you find your feelings lingering over those memories, ask yourself whether he would have wanted you to sacrifice so much of yourself to his remembrance. Wouldn’t his advice have been to – not forget, but consign him to a cupboard of memory – and move on?
February 28, 2015 at 3:54 pm
He wouldn’t want to have me sacrificing myself, that’s true, but I’m not really sacrificing. Just going with the flow. If it weren’t for this anniversary coming up along with my soon-to-be homelessness (which makes me want to go home to him), I wouldn’t feel especially sad. And anyway, If he wanted me not to be sad, he shouldn’t have died. (I hope you know I’m being half facetious here. But only half.)
February 28, 2015 at 8:16 am
Pat, you know I understand too. Some days I can not believe almost 5 years have passed for me, too. But I am so grateful for what John and I had – and still have. And I feel that you are, too.
And Frederick – what you said is so off base, I have no words. Perhaps you meant well but to say “move on” makes my blood boil and offering to place one’s soul mate into a “cupboard of memory” – really? Those comments belong in the category of someone who has no understanding. I have met people who offered those platitudes along the way of my own journey – and I have left them where I met them. Better to have said nothing at all.
joy
February 28, 2015 at 4:02 pm
I know you understand. And yes, I am grateful. Not many people get to experience connection on such a profound level. But still . . .
March 2, 2015 at 3:25 pm
With heartfelt agreement– unfathomable!