books | Bertram's Blog

Feted!

November 27, 2020 — Pat Bertram

As if a feast wasn’t enough celebration yesterday, my host and hostess also feted me.

They set up a chair and a table, asked me to be seated, and said that they had a ceremony to perform.

I shook my head, not wanting any part of it (he tends to be a bit of a joker, though not at all mean), but she said, “You’ll like it.”

I sat down and warned them I was not a good sport. And I’m not — I don’t like pranks and practical jokes, and I don’t like being embarrassed, and I particularly don’t like being called a bad sport for putting up with abuse. (Which so often practical jokes are.)

Again, though, my hostess said it wasn’t a problem, that I would like it.

So I sat on my throne, and a minute later, my host dressed as a herald, solemnly marched up beside me and intoned, “By His Lordship of the Shire: Today will auspiciously be remembered as the appointing of She Who Must be Obeyed. In recognition of this momentous occasion, She Who Must be Obeyed will officially be written into the parchment of memories. Whereas her name shall not be forgotten! (Unless erased.)

“Wench, bring forth the quill of everlasting symbols that fadeth not.”

My hostess solemnly marched toward me, holding a pen out in front of her with both hands as if it were a wand or something special, and handed it to me.

Then he said, “Bring forth the parchment that She Who Must be Obeyed may enter her mark upon history.”

She left the room and came back, again, she marched toward me, holding out a tray covered with a fancy cloth. She ceremoniously removed the cloth to reveal a zippered bag. She slowly unzipped the bag, and pulled out my book, Bob, The Right Hand of God.

I laughed. You, of course, have already figured out what was going on, but I was totally surprised. And delighted — both by the ceremony and that they had actually bought a book. When I mentioned my surprise, he said, “Did you doubt we would?” Well, yes. Not everyone who says they will buy a book follow through.

Anyway, I signed the book, we took photos, and then he intoned, “In celebration of this historic occasion, a feast for all! Happy Thanksgiving.”

I must admit, it was a memorable occasion, and she was right, I did like it.

***

“What if God decided to re-create the world and turn it into a galactic theme park for galactic tourists? What then?”

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version by clicking here: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, life, writing. Tags: bad sport, Bob The Right Hand of God, book signing, not a good sport, pranks and practical jokes. 8 Comments »

Everyone Should Like My Books

November 18, 2020 — Pat Bertram

If someone doesn’t like one of my books, I feel as if I should apologize, as if I fell down on the job as an author.

Because everyone should like my books, right?

Well, no. Of course, I would like it if more people read my books, though inevitably that would mean more people would dislike one or two. And I would like it if everyone who read my books liked all they read, but that’s not always a feasible expectation.

People don’t all dislike the same book. For some, Madame ZeeZee’s Nightmare was too girlish. For some, Light Bringer was too complicated. For others, Bob, the Right Hand of God is a bit . . . I don’t know . . . blasphemous, maybe, though it wasn’t intended as such.

I do appreciate the candor (as long as they keep their disappointment between us) and despite my urge to apologize, I try not to take their assessment personally. After all, it was my vision I tried to put into words, not theirs, and to that extent, I succeeded. So, I have no need to apologize or feel bad or have any opinion about other people’s opinions.

I once saw a plaque that I disagreed with when I read it, but now I see the truth of the saying.

What other people think of me is none of my business. I suppose this is the same with my books — that what other people think of them is none of my business. It feels as if it should be my business, since after all, other people’s opinions are what fuels the book market. And writing is my business.

I do know that if one writes to please other people, one ends up pleasing no one, least of all oneself.

Still, I hope you like my books. Or at least one of them anyway.

***

Please check out my new book!

“I am Bob, the Right Hand of God. As part of the galactic renewal program, God has accepted an offer from a development company on the planet Xerxes to turn Earth into a theme park. Not even God can stop progress, but to tell the truth, He’s glad of the change. He’s never been satisfied with Earth. For one thing, there are too many humans on it. He’s decided to eliminate anyone who isn’t nice, and because He’s God, He knows who you are; you can’t talk your way out of it as you humans normally do.”

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, life, writing. Tags: people who don't like my books, what if people don't like your book, what others think of you, what you think of others, writing for yourself, writing to please other people. 2 Comments »

Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Go In the Water

November 14, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Yesterday I posted a favorite scene from my new novel, Bob, The Right Hand of God. It’s such pretty imagery, one of the many scenes that would make this a perfect movie.

Did you think that’s all it was — a pretty scene. Well, at first. Then, just in when you thought it was safe to go into the water . . .

***

Please check out my new book!

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, writing. Tags: absurdist fiction, blue on blue, Bob The Right Hand of God, Excerpt from Bob the Right Hand of God, humorous science fiction, Scene from Bob the right hand of God. 1 Comment »

A Sea of Blue

November 13, 2020 — Pat Bertram

The following is perhaps my favorite scene in my new novel, Bob, the Right Hand of God:

Chet ran west along the grassy swathe of what used to be Sixth Avenue, seeking the grocery store where he usually shopped. He had seen it yesterday, and he needed to stock up on all the basics, not just food but toothpaste, soap, shaving cream.

Chest heaving, he neared the edge of what was left of Denver. The grocery store was gone. The prairie had advanced a few more blocks, wiping it out. He was trying to remember where the closest stores were in the eastern section of the city when the smell of salt and fish caught his attention.

He stopped and stared. The prairie looked blue like the ocean. Colorado had once been part of a great inland sea. Was the development company bringing it back?

He trotted to the edge of the expanse. Not a watery sea but a sea of blue flowers. Blue bees, metallic-blue wasps, and delicate blue butterflies flickered among blue geraniums, spiky blue lupines, sky-blue poppies, delphinium, columbines, forget-me-nots, periwinkles, deep blue hydrangea.

Awe carried him into the blue.

He tilted his head back and watched a flock of bluebirds limned against the pale blue evening sky.

A chill creeping up his legs brought his gaze back to earth. He stood in water up to his knees.

Shivering, he waded to shore.

Although he lingered by the sea until long after the sun had slipped behind the indigo mountains, he did not see another blue flower.

***

What if God decided to re-create the world and turn it into a galactic theme park for galactic tourists? What then?

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version by clicking here: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Reviews Requested

November 11, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Non-authors often have suggestions of things for me to do to promote my books, which I appreciate, even though I’ve probably already implemented the suggestions. (In fact, I had two such conversations yesterday.)

Oddly, what no one ever asks is what they can do.

Admittedly, I made a mistake by spending too much time promoting other authors, presuming wrongly (in all but a handful of cases) that the authors would in turn do something to promote me.

And I probably made a mistake posting so much of my grief writing here on this blog where anyone can read it without having to do anything in return. Which is okay. My mission, ever since Jeff died, is to untangle the many threads that go to make up the knotty — and so very agonizing — problem we call grief.

Still, there is something you can do, which is probably more important than anything I can do.

If you have read and liked any of my books, if any of my grief books have helped you, you can leave a review for me on Amazon. You don’t even have to have purchased the book from Amazon — after all, none of the professional reviewers buy the books they review.

I realize that some people are intimidated by the expert reviews that have been posted, thinking they could never write as well. Or they simply do not know what to do.

But it’s easy. Truly.

You don’t have to write a synopsis of the book — there are already synopses posted, both by the publisher and a few of the reviewers. Nor do you have to agonize over what to write.

First, say what you liked about the book. You might like a specific character or the interplay between a couple of characters. You might like the setting. You might like the plot, the style of writing, the way the author kept you interested. Just say something, anything, that you liked.

Then, say how the book affected you. Maybe it made you laugh, or think, or offer comfort, or take you away from your problems for a few hours.

Finally, star your review. (A five-star review is nice — hint, hint — but not necessary.)

A simple review is fine. A short review — a couple of sentences — is fine. A misspelled review is fine. (You can always edit it later if you wish.) The important thing is to leave a review.

You can find my author page on Amazon here, with a listing of all my books: Pat Bertram Books

Thank you for your help!

***

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, How to, life. Tags: help promote your author friends, how did my book make you feel, how to write a simple review, leaving a review on Amazon, too intimidated to leave a review, what did you like about my book. Leave a Comment »

Reviews!

November 9, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I received a couple of excellent reviews for my novel Bob, The Right Hand of God, which was recently published by Stairway Press. Not that I was worried — I know the book is good (though I’m sure all authors think that about their books) but both reviewers are people whose opinion I value, so I was hoping for good words.

Luckily, both of them liked the book.

Malcolm Campbell, author of Fate’s Arrow wrote: “The book is many things: highly readable, realistic and believable in portraying how the characters react and interact, dystopian in that everything we know is gone and the replacement plan isn’t providing anything better, and (yes) playful. Should the reader laugh or cry? Hard to say. While the ending was predictable, this well-written novel is highly recommended.” Click here to read the full review: https://malcolmsroundtable.com/2020/11/04/review-bob-the-right-hand-of-god/

Sam Sattler of the book blog “Book Chase,” wrote: “Bob: The Right Hand of God is funny and it’s clever, but deep down, it has a message about the important things in life. Pat Bertram has written several books on grief and grieving and she brings that kind of emotional sensitivity even to a farcical tale like this one. If you are looking for something fun to read, this is one you should consider.” Click here to read the full review: https://bookchase.blogspot.com/2020/11/bob-right-hand-of-god-pat-bertram.html

If you, too, enjoyed the book, please leave a review on Amazon. It doesn’t have to be a full review such as the above two reviewers wrote. It can be as simple as single sentence saying you enjoyed the book, or that it’s the perfect book for these time, or that you’d like to see it made in a movie, or anything. (If you hated it, then never mind.) I would like to see this book find a wide audience. I think people would like it, even those who don’t read much.

If you haven’t yet read the book, click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version by clicking here: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Thank you!

Posted in books, fiction, life, writing. Tags: absurdist fiction, Bob The Right Hand of God, humorous science fiction, reviews for Bob the Right Hand of God, Stairway Press, What if God decided to recreate the world. 1 Comment »

Frigid Temperatures on the Way

October 22, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I spent the morning getting my yard ready for the frigid weather that’s headed our way. I did one last watering, then stored the hoses and insulated the outside faucets.

And I planted bulbs.

After last year’s fiasco, where I planted many bulbs and almost none came up (due probably to my following directions and not watering them during the early spring drought as I probably should have), I hadn’t planned to do any more bulb gardens, but I donated a few dollars to the Arbor Day Foundation, and they sent me bulbs for a purple garden.

I followed their directions exactly. Dug down deep to loosen the soil in the whole garden area (as difficult as it was, it was easier than it sounds because this particular garden is only about two-and-a half by four feet), planted the bulbs at the requisite depth, and watered extremely well.

I took a picture of my garden, but it looks like . . . dirt! So here is the photo of what it would look next spring in the hands of a real gardener:

Halfway through all this work, I wondered if I was jumping the winter gun because I was HOT. By the time I finished rolling up the hoses, however, cold winds had sprung up, bringing a promise — or a warning — of cooler weather. Although the high today will be near seventy, the low tonight will be in the twenties, and tomorrow we won’t warm up beyond the mid-forties. Saturday will be warm again, in the seventies, and then it will get really cold, down to 10 or 15 degrees with a high around freezing. Brr. Just the thought makes me shiver.

Luckily, I just stocked up on tea! Nothing warms me — body and soul — like a special tea. The one I’m drinking now is called Breakfast in Paris, and is a combination of black teas, lavender, bergamot oil, and vanilla. Very nice! Though truthfully, I could still enjoy the tea if frigid temperatures weren’t on the way.

***

What if God decided to re-create the world and turn it into a galactic theme park for galactic tourists? What then?

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, gardening, life. Tags: Bob The Right Hand of God, drinking tea, frigid temperatures, Galactic theme park, humorous science fiction, planting bulbs, What if God decided to recreate the world. Leave a Comment »

Help My Publisher Buy a Maserati

October 21, 2020 — Pat Bertram

If we sell enough Bob, The Right Hand of God books, my publisher says he will be able to buy a new Maserati. I doubt his choice would be purple, but still, it’s a pretty car.

I’m not sure if this desire of his for a new Maserati is a real wish or if it’s more a metaphor for selling a ton of books. Well, several tons. A ton of my books would be about 3,000 of them, and there’s no way the profits on that would get him anything but a junker. Still, it’s a goal to reach for, and then once that’s reached, we can aim for another ton.

And I? What would I buy from the proceeds of all these tons of books? There’s nothing I need right now, though I must admit financial solvency would be nice.

What would be even nicer is if large numbers of people read and enjoyed the book. I wouldn’t mind if fame didn’t come along with the the sales of those tons of books because fame is overrated. But I would like people to recognize the name of the book, maybe even my name as an author. And I’d like to be able to say, “I sold a ton of books,” and know it was the literal truth.

To help us reach this tonnage, after you read the book, I would appreciate your leaving a review on Amazon. It’s a relatively easy way of supporting the author you love (me).

***

What if God decided to re-create the world and turn it into a galactic theme park for galactic tourists? What then?

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, life, writing. Tags: 3000 books in a ton, Bob The Right Hand of God, maserati, selling a ton of books, supporting authors, What if God decided to recreate the world, would like to be recognized as an author. 3 Comments »

Yay! Publication Day!

October 20, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Bob, The Right Hand of God has now been published! I am thrilled and delighted that Stairway Press took a chance on this novel. It’s special to me because it’s the last one that Jeff helped me brainstorm. His death put a hold on the book, and it took years for me to find the courage to finish it, but I did. And now look!

I can’t wait for you to meet Bob. In his own words:

When Bob appeared on television with this announcement, Chet Thomlin thought it was a segment from a science fiction movie.

Then people began to disappear.

And the world began to change.

Now you can experience that change yourself!

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, life. Tags: absurdist fiction, Bob The Right Hand of God, brainstorming, Galactic Renewal Program, humorous science fiction, Stairway Press, What if God decided to recreate the world. 10 Comments »

The Beaming Light

October 19, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Today’s tarot card pick was the sun, or as this particular deck calls it, “The Beaming Light.” That’s the only sun I get today since the real beaming light is hidden behind clouds, a rarity in these parts. Still, the sun card is sufficient since it speaks of glory, gain, riches, success, creativity, and happiness.

I like the coincidence of the sun being the nineteenth card of the major arcana and this is the nineteenth day of the month. I’m not reading anything into that coincidence because I don’t think such a fluke has happened before, so there doesn’t seem to be any meaning to such a concurrence — it’s simply time for the numbers to coincide.

There is another interesting coincidence, however, that I would like to read something into (assuming there is any truth to the tarot). I did an online reading at a tarot site today, and the final card (the likely outcome) was the sun, too.

Which means to me that the significance of the sun is doubly correct! The sun certainly is bringing brightness to my day. Although tomorrow is the official publication day, my newest book, Bob, The Right Hand of God is available for sale on Amazon right now, a day early.

Such a pleasant surprise!

You can buy the print book today and have it delivered to you in about a week. Click here to order: Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version today and it will appear on your Kindle tomorrow. Click here to purchase: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

So yes! This is definitely a day of beaming light and happiness and all the good things I could wish for myself. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of the “sun” comes true too — the glory, gain, and riches that will come from people discovering, reading, loving Bob, The Right Hand of God.