Someone asked me today what helped me find joy in life again after Jeff died. I didn’t even have to think of the answer. It’s been long enough that I have some perspective, so I know that any joy in my life came from just living — doing things that the two of us never did, doing things I never imagined doing, creating new memories. Taking dance classes helped. Traveling helped. Gardening helped. People say that time helps, but it’s not time that helps but what you do with that time. Still, it took years for me to come to a place of renewed interest in life. Obviously, it wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t easy, but here I am, almost seventeen years later, still chugging along.
Today what joy I find comes in paying attention to the little things — to each flower that blooms, to the almost daily surprises in my yard, to the seasonal changes. I find I am happiest when I keep my focus small, to accept as real only that which I experience with my senses: what I see in my immediate environs, what I smell (when my sinuses allow), the food I taste, the sounds I hear, what and how I feel, even what I do. Anything else is too immense.
For years, his death left me with a bewildering cascade of questions: what is the meaning of death, where is he, is he having as much trouble with the separation as I am, how do I find meaning or at least a reason to continue living, do I need a mate in order for my life to have meaning. And on and on and on. Though I do occasionally still wonder about those things, the intense asking has pretty much faded, which helps me stay into the reality my senses show me rather than the mental flights into the unknown and unknowable that troubled me for so long.
I’m lucky in that I have the ability and the means to stay within myself, my surroundings, and what I can experience firsthand. It might seem a small life to most people, but it encompasses all I can know at the moment, and that is an immensity of its own. I’m grateful for that life and for whatever joy comes my way.
May you find such joy, too.
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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One
