Halfway Through the Year

Noon today marks the halfway point of the year. Although I noted the date and time on my calendar, it doesn’t really mean anything to me — it’s the days themselves that count since all I can control is what I do today. A year (or even half of a year) is rather an abstract, too long of a time to be able to live it as a whole. So why did I write it on my calendar? As a blog topic, of course. I’m always looking for things to write about since I’m still on my daily blogging kick. 183 days in a row as of today. That’s more than I’ve done the past few years, though it’s not out of the ordinary for me. Once I blogged daily for more than three years straight. Funny that — to do such a thing every day for so long, and then just . . . stop. Eventually, I’ll stop this streak, too, but not today.

As for the year passing — I’m more concerned with the summer. Hot. Dry. Windy at times. So not my most fun time of year! To be honest, neither is winter, but then, that’s still a ways away. And besides, as I noted above, all I can control is what I do today.

Today, I’m trying not to worry about the way this country seems to be heading. Trying not to worry about what the heat is doing to my yard. Trying not to worry about . . . well, about anything. That seems as good a half-year resolution as any, I suppose — trying not to worry. Of course, if I made it an official half-year resolution, then I’d have to worry about whether or not I’m worrying, so perhaps it’s better just to be. Take what comes.

What came today was a discovery that my “Archives: All Posts” page on this blog now only shows a few months. I’m trying to get with the WordPress people to see what happened, but so far, I’ve had only a brief, uninformative contact with something called my “AI Assistant.” It finally had enough of me and referred me to a human. So, I’m waiting for an email that might or might not come from a real person.

I doubt I need the entire blog archive — I mean, who wants to sort through 3,866 posts (3,867 after today) to find a title that catches their interest (I certainly wouldn’t!) — so I might just get rid of the “All Posts” designation and let the code do what it wants. I considered replacing the archives with a “best of” designation, but then, I’d have to go through all of those posts to see if any are worth highlighting. So, no.

What else came today was a lovely pair of daylilies! They brightened my day. I hope they brighten yours, too.

Happy halfway day!

[Update: I did get an email, and apparently, the server has to generate all the codes at once and with so many, it runs out of memory part way through. The email gave me an alternative way of posting the archives, which, if nothing else, shows me how many times I posted each of the past 225 months.]

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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

Where I Want to Be

A friend is on vacation, spending a week with her family in the mountains. I felt a twinge of envy when she told me, and then it dawned on me: I am where I want to be. I don’t need to go anywhere to find respite from life’s hassles or even from the heat. I have arrived at my place of respite.

It’s a nice realization to have made. For almost a decade, I didn’t want to be where I was but I had nowhere to go, no way even to decide where to go so I rented rooms and wandered, both on foot and in the car. I thought that’s what I wanted — a nomadic life — and I suppose, at the time, it’s what I needed.

And now I need something else.

If I were young, I’d probably have continued to embrace that sort of uncertainty because there is security to be found when one is comfortable with uncertainty in an uncertain world. There is still uncertainty in this new world of mine of course. There is always uncertainty, and it’s hard not to worry about being able to sustain this lifestyle. (I act as if I am financially sound, which is far from the truth.) But a person does need a place to live, and when one is on the cusp of elderliness, one needs a safe place to live.

That is what I am trying to create here — a safe place for the elder me. And, when I keep my worries where they belong — out of my head — I know I am doing the right thing.

Today’s tarot pick was probably the most apropos of the cards I’ve picked this month. I didn’t ask what I needed to know as I usually do. I just picked and, interestingly, it answered the question that concerned me yesterday about the wisdom of continuing to fix existing problems in and around the house considering that any money I spend now is money I won’t be able to live on later.

But the card, the ten of pentacles, says that everything I put my efforts into now will pay off in the future. It also says that everything will work out well in the end because I have always kept the long term in view. Other sources say this card is about seeking permanence, feeling secure as things are, creating a lasting foundation.

Although I’m not sure how much I believe in the cards, I do find comfort in finding this external assurance of my internal feelings.

At least it will help me keep the worries at bay and allow me to find enjoyment in creating a home for myself today and the self I will be tomorrow.

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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator