I Am Crying, Forever Dying

I had a grief upsurge yesterday, probably because I haven’t been grieving much and it’s been building up, but the upsurge itself was instigated by a song.

It started with my session of dance therapy (I call it that, but all I do is prance around for two or three songs in an effort to add a bit of lightness to my step and my life). The first song was “Cry Cry Cry” by Highway 101.

I wonder if he knows what he’s done to me
I’m gonna love that boy till the day I die
Till the day I do I’m gonna cry cry cry.

What a mood brightener! But I managed to get through that song dry-eyed. I even managed to get through the second song without tearing up — “You’re in My Heart” by Rod Stewart

You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul
You’ll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul

Yikes. Not the song to cheer up a woman who has lost her mate. But the third one did me in — “Sailing” by Rod Stewart.

Can you hear me, can you hear me
Through the dark night far away?
I am dying, forever crying
To be with you, who can say.

Even worse, I found myself haunted by those words all day yesterday and into today. Oddly, though, I transposed the words, and what went around and around in my head was “I am crying, forever dying.”

Out walking in the desert today, I had a bit of a mystical revelation. (Or sunstroke. It was hot out there.) What if that’s the truth of it? We are forever dying? Not just now in this lifetime, but forever? What if life is the aberration, and dying (not death) the norm?

Some scientists say the universe is dying, that there are more stars dying out than being born. Maybe someday, when it’s all over, there will be another big bang, and the whole cycle will start again. Perhaps each cycle is a single breath of “The EveryThing.”

I guess what I’m saying is maybe life as we know it is more of a static state than dying is. With dying comes transformation.

Did I mention that it was very HOT in the desert?

4 Responses to “I Am Crying, Forever Dying”

  1. Kat Sheridan Says:

    I’m sorry you had such a tough day. You need to create your own playlist of music that will lift you up. You know, they say the instant we take our first breaths we begin to die. It makes me too sad to think of it that way. I prefer to live in the moment, for as many moments as I have and simply look at death as the next in a long line of adventures.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      Kat, so glad you stopped by! Weirdly, those songs were on my own playlist, or at least on a tape of dancing songs, but I made the tape before the songs had any special meaning for me. Even more weirdly, this post did lift me up. In writing, we learn to invert things, to twist them to add surprise to our works, and thinking of dying as a transforming process that we go through forever makes me think of life and death in a completely different way. And that’s a good thing.

  2. Anna Goodwin Says:

    I too am a writer. I am very touched by your posts on grieving your husband and the love you have for him. It is a forever love.You are blessed to have had him with you. I know some of that pain and I thank you for speaking so honestly. My beloved husband, best friend, lover of 46 years is dying of COPD and there is nothing I can do. I think it’s the helplessness that makes it worst.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I am so sorry, Anna. Yes, feeling so helpless makes it worse. I hated that all my love couldn’t change a minute of his suffering. I hope you are taking care of yourself. It’s a hard thing you’re living through.

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