Breaking Up is Hard to Do (Or See)

Lately, I seem to be torn by divided loyalties. Not only are my loyalties divided between two family members, they are now being divided between two friends who once were business partners. They need each other and the business needs them, but as intelligent as they are, they don’t seem to communicate well. They hurt each other, expect too much from each other, blame each other. And since I’m close to both of them, I am in the middle. I wish I could sit them down (or better yet, bang their heads together) and get them to listen to the truth of the other beyond recriminations, guilt, and regret, but it is not my place.

windSometimes outsiders can see what those involved cannot see, but we cannot feel the emotions that are driving our friends apart, and so we can only stand by, ready to listen if they want to talk. Even if I wanted to do something, it’s not my fight, and inserting myself between them will add fuel to an already combustible situation.

I grieve for them and what they are losing. I grieve for what I am losing. But, as with my family situation, I can’t run their lives for them, and I can’t change anything. Maybe no one can. Maybe the roots of the conflict go back too far to untangle. Maybe the breakup has gone forward too far to be rewound. Maybe . . . maybe they will find a way to set aside their feelings and make it work after all, but I don’t hold out much hope. Their loyalties to each other and the business were in conflict, and without reciprocity, loyalty becomes a type of servitude, adding even more conflict to a complicated situation.

In fiction, conflict is all important, and even in life, some conflict is beneficial — one partner was aflame with fantastic ideas, the other partner more down to earth and able to put those fantasies into action. But too much conflict puts a strain on even the most congenial relationship, and this partnership was not always congenial.

I’ve never had to deal with a divorce between two people I cared about — usually I knew only one of the parties. But now I know how I would feel — terribly sad and powerless.


Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Follow Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

4 Responses to “Breaking Up is Hard to Do (Or See)”

  1. rami ungar the writer Says:

    It’s a good thing you took yourself out of the conflict, Pat. Trust me, I’ve been in the same position. It never ends well when you try to be a middleman.

  2. leesis Says:

    and yet; i would sit down and beg them to hear me out, and promise I will never again say a single thing but will respect their choices and ask that just this once they are silent no matter what I say and their perception of it. And then I speak…gently but honestly about what I see and how it makes me feel. And then I would tell them both I love them and leave so they could have time to think and no pressure for, what would be, a knee-jerk response.

    I love my friends to much to not do it even if it means they’ll ‘never speak to me again’. xx

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      As always, Leesis, I appreciate your input. I did try talking to them separately (I live in another city), but one of the partners didn’t want to hear what I had to say, and now it’s too late. Makes me very sad.

  3. CJ Says:

    It is an awkward position, that you find yourself in. Hard to be friendly with or the other will stake the claim on you and it gets even more uncomfortable…good luck. It is sad.

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