Sitting on the Wall

It’s hard to get anything done when I’ve spent half the day outside sitting on the wall separating my dad’s property from the one next door so that people looking at the house can have privacy, but luckily, I don’t need to get anything done. I can simply sit and enjoy the blossoms dancing in the warm winter air. (80 degrees today. And it’s still technically winter!)

It’s funny that I dreaded this period in my life when the house was on the market making my time not my own, when homelessness (or rather rootlessness) was incipient, when things were about to change in some as yet unfathomable way. But none of this is bothering me at all. In fact, other people are more concerned about what I am going to do than I am.

Either things will work out or they won’t. It’s as simple as that. And if they don’t work out, there is nothing I can do now to make them work out because I don’t know what the conditions will be at that particular time, so there’s no point in worrying about it.

My situation is apparently one that galvanizes imaginations. Each person’s suggestion for what I should do is more a response to their own yearnings and inclinations than to my needs. Buying an RV and living in an RV park was one of today’s suggestions. The woman admitted it is what she would do and thought it was a good idea for me. And yet, if I did get an RV, why would I stay in one place? The whole point of a recreation vehicle is to go recreationing.

But there are dance classes to take into consideration  . . .

I have offers of spare rooms and couches for a few days that I can accept in an emergency. Or I could stay in a motel. Or take off on a road trip. Or any number of things.

People keep telling me I have to make a decision, if not now then soon, and I just shrug off that dictum. Again, this advice is more of a response to their fearful imaginings than my reality. I don’t have to make a decision. I can simply do whatever is I feel like doing when the time comes. Knowing me, I’ll probably cry. Grief seems to rise up during times of change, because I am reminded of why I am so rootless, but even that is okay.

But for now I am enjoying sitting on the wall and letting the future take care of itself.


Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fireand Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

6 Responses to “Sitting on the Wall”

  1. leesis Says:

    ah Pat I adore you! “Either things will work out or they won’t. It’s as simple as that. And if they don’t work out…” . Fact is, so far, things are working out at the moment, eg; ” I can simply sit and enjoy the blossoms dancing in the warm winter air. (80 degrees today. And it’s still technically winter!)” Sounds like a lovely time to me.:). You are living as external situation dictates…its your internal life that counts! xx

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      That’s an interesting point — living as external situations dictate. In so many cases, we don’t have choices about what happens to us, but there is the internal life to be reckoned with. It’s kind of nice thinking that all this with the house is going on to give me time to sit on the wall rather than I’m sitting on the wall because of all that’s going on with the house.

      You always do my soul good, Leesa.

  2. Wanda Says:

    The only flaw in your thinking that I can spot is this, “either things will work out or they won’t” Because as long as life exists, things work out. Maybe not as planned or even preferred, but they do work out. At least that is my philosophy. Each day works out. Each week. Each month. And so on. So things will always work out. Today they worked out so that you can sit on the wall enjoying beautiful weather and flowers. Not much one can add to that. So I always say, “things will work out one way or the other.” Not much of a difference but that little difference makes all the difference.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I don’t have the acceptance necessary to adopt your wise philosophy. Too often life throws us a great trauma that makes our current concern seem trivial, and I just don’t want to accept such a possibility. What my little mantra means to me is that either things will work out on their own with little effort on my part or they won’t. But either way, whether things work on their own or if I have to finagle them, things will work out.

  3. Kathy Says:

    I’m sitting here watching and waiting – can’t wait to see what happens next. Either you will stay or you will go. Having made several big changes in my life, for me it works this way: you wait for what seems like forever and then it’s what I call, “bing, bang, boom” and everything happens at once!

  4. Constance Says:

    Sometimes, I envy the freedom that you have.
    Sometimes, I just want to escape for awhile.
    I have a family that requires many things from me. I work harder now than when I was young.
    I’m supposed to be retired. What is that??? The things that I dreamed of in retirement just have not happened.
    I hope you have a wonderful adventure and happy life.
    Your friend,

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