Is there anything lonelier than watching Hallmark Christmas movies by yourself, in a motel room miles from anywhere, when you are alone? Probably, but at the moment, it doesn’t feel as if there is.
Of course, I could a) not travel, b) not watch television, or c) hmm. Can’t think of a c. A and b should be enough.
I won’t stop traveling, and the only time I watch television is when I stay with friends, but after a long though easy day of driving, I didn’t feel like listening to silence. (Odd, since silence is my favorite music.) Hence, the movies.
I am lost. Sort of. I took a wrong turning and don’t exactly know where I am since it was dark when I happened on this motel, but I don’t think I am so lost as know it is still months until Christmas.
But still . . . here I am.
The first movie I watched last night was simply trite, but the second was as irritating as a walk through a briar patch. One woman is marrying a friend’s fiance, and she can’t understand why the friend can’t forgive her because “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just fell in love.”
It has never made sense to me if love is so compelling that any horrific betrayal in its name is forgivable, when death steals your loved one from you, you are (after a very short time of bereavement) supposed to simply shrug it off as if it didn’t change you and your life forever.
This dichotomy makes an already difficult situation even worse. Which is why I prefer silence to love songs, thrillers to romantic novels, being by myself than with couples.
I sound melancholic don’t I? But I’m not. Not really. Maybe I should get an early start today so I can stop before dark so I don’t get lost so I don’t need sound so I don’t watch idiot movies. It won’t solve the main problem of Jeff being gone, but it won’t make me feel bad.
Because after all — I am on the road! That is certainly something to celebrate.
Even if it isn’t Christmas.
***
(Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.”)
Bertram's Blog 
October 27, 2018 at 10:34 am
Love your car. Good things to come, he’s with you I think, just in a different way. Angel now maybe. If you get sick of Hallmark you can read my writings if you want. Happy trails
October 27, 2018 at 11:12 am
Hope the rest of your trip is good. Let me know when & where you land.!!
October 27, 2018 at 1:56 pm
Enjoy the trip. Watch out for anything out of a horror movie.
October 27, 2018 at 5:19 pm
I hear you! I refuse to watch movies and instead watch mindless crap on TV
October 29, 2018 at 3:47 am
I was thinking of lonliness and grief after reading your first line ” Is there anything lonelier…”. My experience since my husband died 3 and half years ago is I often use the two words together (and kind of interchangably) but as a person who likes words, who feels words matter, I wonder if there is some insight to be gained from trying to tease them apart. Can I look forward to a day when I just feel lonely and not lonely grief? Is that when my melancholy will go away?
October 29, 2018 at 7:12 am
I definitely think you will. I also think you will have times when you feel alone without feeling lonely. The loneliness and aloneness are separate from missing him — that will never go away though it might become a bit muted. It just takes so very long.
(Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.”)