I don’t really make promises to myself, at least not using those words. I do wake each day with the idea of trying to do better than I did the day before at taking care of myself, such as eating real food or doing stretching exercises if nothing else. I sometimes played around with New Year’s resolutions, though those resemble my daily betterment intentions rather than any resolution or promise to myself. Oddly, my unintentional resolution of daily blogging (I never decided to do it, never promised myself I would, just started doing it) is still in effect. 208 days and counting!
The closest I ever came to promising myself anything was after Jeff died and I became determined to be spontaneous. The only time in my life I was spontaneous was right after I met him. His very presence in the world made the world feel friendly, and I felt comfortable taking chances. Over the years, I settled back into my worrisome self. Our lives became constrained by his health, our finances, and various other matters beyond our control. He told me once it bothered him that our shared life had destroyed my spontaneity — but he never understood that he was the one responsible for whatever spontaneity I had developed to begin with.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life mourning, didn’t want to spend my life regretting that my shared life was ended, didn’t want to . . . well, I didn’t want to do a lot of things that I had to do, such as deal with the pain and go from there. Through it all, though, I kept that determination to be spontaneous as a way to honor him. And to honor myself.
I did many new things and took many chances — visiting museums, taking dance classes, hunting for wild poppy preserves, exploring the desert, hiking — though oddly, a lot of my spontaneity came with preparation and planning. For example, I couldn’t just start driving cross-country trip on a whim — I had to get both myself and my car into shape, stock up on the necessary emergency and camping equipment, notify people of my intentions in case they wanted me to stop by, and so many other niggling details. And yet, despite the planning, most of the trip was an exercise in spontaneity — driving how far I wanted each day, taking side trips when the signs beckoned me off the main road, accepting invitations from people I barely knew.
Even buying my house was as spontaneous as such a purchase can be. I got an unsolicited email from a real estate website saying that they had a house I might like. I did like it. And I bought it sight unseen. (Though I did have a realtor and two inspectors look at it for me.) Although my life has settled into a comfortable stay-at-homeness, and although I still have to live more or less according to a gardening schedule, my life is mostly unplanned. I do what I wish when I wish it, which most often means not doing much of anything, which I’m okay with, although oddly, yesterday I suddenly felt like cleaning house, so that was my big spontaneity of the day.
I suppose, in the end, I did make a promise to myself — that plan to be spontaneous — and I did keep it.
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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One
Bertram's Blog 
July 27, 2026 at 11:37 am
I don’t know whether I’m spontaneous or not, but I certainly do what I want and don’t do what I don’t want to do, insofar as I’m able. It earns me some resentment from my spouse, who has unexpressed expectations I can only guess at (not my job), so while I’m sorry for your loss, I envy your not having someone to resent your choices. Maybe you were fortunate enough to have a spouse who didn’t!
July 27, 2026 at 1:58 pm
We generally made our choices together, though I often did what he wanted because he cared about something (like what to eat) and I didn’t. It was hard to learn to care about the little things for myself, and I’m not sure I ever did. I just wing it.
July 29, 2026 at 3:53 pm
Since my husband died I’ve enjoyed many road trips by myself, my enjoyment greatly enhanced exactly because of that freedom to stop and explore wherever and whenever I want. As you describe, that freedom would not be there if I hadn’t planned in advance and packed my car with all the essentials and emergency supplies — and looked at the maps!!
July 29, 2026 at 5:43 pm
Looking at maps was half the fun!!