fiction | Bertram's Blog

Did the Macaw Survive?

December 1, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Someone wrote to me yesterday and said that Bob, The Right Hand of God was a cool book, but he felt bad about Rosemary and the scarlet macaw. Especially the macaw.

There really is no other interpretation of Rosemary’s fate than the one presented in the book, but I thought the macaw had a different end. Looking back, nowhere in the book does it say unequivocally what actually happened to the poor bird, though I had thought it’s fate could be assumed.

Apparently not.

I suppose it depends on if one believes what Bob says, and if one thought there were a stable environment where the bird could be sent, and if Bob were honorable enough to help the poor thing survive. All things that are debatable.

Now I’m curious. Do you think the macaw survived?

None of this, so far, spoils the story since these events took place toward the beginning of the book, so if you respond, I’d appreciate your not mentioning anything that might give away the story.

The book calls out for a sequel, the story of the next generation if nothing else, and your response would help me figure out if (a big if!) I were to write a sequel, whether I should include a mention of the bird or leave the poor thing to its ambiguous fate.

***

“I am Bob, the Right Hand of God. As part of the galactic renewal program, God has accepted an offer from a development company on the planet Xerxes to turn Earth into a theme park. Not even God can stop progress, but to tell the truth, He’s glad of the change. He’s never been satisfied with Earth. For one thing, there are too many humans on it. He’s decided to eliminate anyone who isn’t nice, and because He’s God, He knows who you are; you can’t talk your way out of it as you humans normally do.”

Click here to buy Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, photography, writing. Tags: absurdist fiction, Bob The Right Hand of God, discussion about Bob The Right Hand of God, Galactic Renewal Program, scarlet macaw. 3 Comments »

Everyone Should Like My Books

November 18, 2020 — Pat Bertram

If someone doesn’t like one of my books, I feel as if I should apologize, as if I fell down on the job as an author.

Because everyone should like my books, right?

Well, no. Of course, I would like it if more people read my books, though inevitably that would mean more people would dislike one or two. And I would like it if everyone who read my books liked all they read, but that’s not always a feasible expectation.

People don’t all dislike the same book. For some, Madame ZeeZee’s Nightmare was too girlish. For some, Light Bringer was too complicated. For others, Bob, the Right Hand of God is a bit . . . I don’t know . . . blasphemous, maybe, though it wasn’t intended as such.

I do appreciate the candor (as long as they keep their disappointment between us) and despite my urge to apologize, I try not to take their assessment personally. After all, it was my vision I tried to put into words, not theirs, and to that extent, I succeeded. So, I have no need to apologize or feel bad or have any opinion about other people’s opinions.

I once saw a plaque that I disagreed with when I read it, but now I see the truth of the saying.

What other people think of me is none of my business. I suppose this is the same with my books — that what other people think of them is none of my business. It feels as if it should be my business, since after all, other people’s opinions are what fuels the book market. And writing is my business.

I do know that if one writes to please other people, one ends up pleasing no one, least of all oneself.

Still, I hope you like my books. Or at least one of them anyway.

***

Please check out my new book!

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, life, writing. Tags: people who don't like my books, what if people don't like your book, what others think of you, what you think of others, writing for yourself, writing to please other people. 2 Comments »

Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Go In the Water

November 14, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Yesterday I posted a favorite scene from my new novel, Bob, The Right Hand of God. It’s such pretty imagery, one of the many scenes that would make this a perfect movie.

Did you think that’s all it was — a pretty scene. Well, at first. Then, just in when you thought it was safe to go into the water . . .

***

Please check out my new book!

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, writing. Tags: absurdist fiction, blue on blue, Bob The Right Hand of God, Excerpt from Bob the Right Hand of God, humorous science fiction, Scene from Bob the right hand of God. 1 Comment »

A Sea of Blue

November 13, 2020 — Pat Bertram

The following is perhaps my favorite scene in my new novel, Bob, the Right Hand of God:

Chet ran west along the grassy swathe of what used to be Sixth Avenue, seeking the grocery store where he usually shopped. He had seen it yesterday, and he needed to stock up on all the basics, not just food but toothpaste, soap, shaving cream.

Chest heaving, he neared the edge of what was left of Denver. The grocery store was gone. The prairie had advanced a few more blocks, wiping it out. He was trying to remember where the closest stores were in the eastern section of the city when the smell of salt and fish caught his attention.

He stopped and stared. The prairie looked blue like the ocean. Colorado had once been part of a great inland sea. Was the development company bringing it back?

He trotted to the edge of the expanse. Not a watery sea but a sea of blue flowers. Blue bees, metallic-blue wasps, and delicate blue butterflies flickered among blue geraniums, spiky blue lupines, sky-blue poppies, delphinium, columbines, forget-me-nots, periwinkles, deep blue hydrangea.

Awe carried him into the blue.

He tilted his head back and watched a flock of bluebirds limned against the pale blue evening sky.

A chill creeping up his legs brought his gaze back to earth. He stood in water up to his knees.

Shivering, he waded to shore.

Although he lingered by the sea until long after the sun had slipped behind the indigo mountains, he did not see another blue flower.

***

What if God decided to re-create the world and turn it into a galactic theme park for galactic tourists? What then?

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version by clicking here: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Reviews!

November 9, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I received a couple of excellent reviews for my novel Bob, The Right Hand of God, which was recently published by Stairway Press. Not that I was worried — I know the book is good (though I’m sure all authors think that about their books) but both reviewers are people whose opinion I value, so I was hoping for good words.

Luckily, both of them liked the book.

Malcolm Campbell, author of Fate’s Arrow wrote: “The book is many things: highly readable, realistic and believable in portraying how the characters react and interact, dystopian in that everything we know is gone and the replacement plan isn’t providing anything better, and (yes) playful. Should the reader laugh or cry? Hard to say. While the ending was predictable, this well-written novel is highly recommended.” Click here to read the full review: https://malcolmsroundtable.com/2020/11/04/review-bob-the-right-hand-of-god/

Sam Sattler of the book blog “Book Chase,” wrote: “Bob: The Right Hand of God is funny and it’s clever, but deep down, it has a message about the important things in life. Pat Bertram has written several books on grief and grieving and she brings that kind of emotional sensitivity even to a farcical tale like this one. If you are looking for something fun to read, this is one you should consider.” Click here to read the full review: https://bookchase.blogspot.com/2020/11/bob-right-hand-of-god-pat-bertram.html

If you, too, enjoyed the book, please leave a review on Amazon. It doesn’t have to be a full review such as the above two reviewers wrote. It can be as simple as single sentence saying you enjoyed the book, or that it’s the perfect book for these time, or that you’d like to see it made in a movie, or anything. (If you hated it, then never mind.) I would like to see this book find a wide audience. I think people would like it, even those who don’t read much.

If you haven’t yet read the book, click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God. Or you can buy the Kindle version by clicking here: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Thank you!

Posted in books, fiction, life, writing. Tags: absurdist fiction, Bob The Right Hand of God, humorous science fiction, reviews for Bob the Right Hand of God, Stairway Press, What if God decided to recreate the world. 1 Comment »

Yay! Publication Day!

October 20, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Bob, The Right Hand of God has now been published! I am thrilled and delighted that Stairway Press took a chance on this novel. It’s special to me because it’s the last one that Jeff helped me brainstorm. His death put a hold on the book, and it took years for me to find the courage to finish it, but I did. And now look!

I can’t wait for you to meet Bob. In his own words:

When Bob appeared on television with this announcement, Chet Thomlin thought it was a segment from a science fiction movie.

Then people began to disappear.

And the world began to change.

Now you can experience that change yourself!

Click here to order the print version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.
Click here to purchase the Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

Posted in books, fiction, life. Tags: absurdist fiction, Bob The Right Hand of God, brainstorming, Galactic Renewal Program, humorous science fiction, Stairway Press, What if God decided to recreate the world. 10 Comments »

Six Days Until Publication!

October 14, 2020 — Pat Bertram

An excerpt from Bob, The Right Hand of God for you:

A kid in his late teens or early twenties with drooping trousers that exposed his dingy blue boxer short waited by the front counter, a wire cage at his feet. Approximately eighteen inches high, the enclosure appeared to be filled with scarlet, blue and yellow feathers.

A low-pitched squeak came from the mass of feathers, and Chet realized a live scarlet macaw had been scrunched into the cage. He clenched his hands and glared at the kid. I’d like to stuff you into a space half your size and see how you like it.

The kid grinned, displaying large teeth and a tongue ring. “Some dude told me you buy used pets. How much will you give me for this . . . um . . . this parrot?”

“A hundred.”

“A hundred dollars? You trying to cheat me? It’s worth at least a thousand.”

The bird looked half-dead from mistreatment and starvation. When raised in a loving atmosphere, a macaw was an affectionate creature, but when mistreated, it could be vicious. Even if the bird survived, it would probably be unsalable.

“A hundred and twenty. Take it or leave it.” You little shit.

“You can’t do that.”

“I’m not the one trying to peddle an almost dead bird.” Chet started to walk away.

“Okay, okay, but I want cash.”

Chet strode to the cash register and pulled out six twenties. The kid grabbed the money and bolted from the store, almost tripping on his pant legs.

The orange cat circled the cage. The macaw let out another feeble squeak.

Chet lifted the cage and gently set it on the counter. “You’ll be free in just a minute, little one.”

He went into the back room for a dish of nuts and seeds, a peeled banana, and a bowl of water. He set them in front of the cage, then opened the door and stepped back.

The bird did not move.

Maybe he should try to pull it out? No. One thing the creature didn’t need was more rough handling. It would come out when ready.

While he waited for the macaw to extricate itself, he popped another lemon drop into his mouth.

The candy dissolved into tart nothingness, and still the macaw didn’t move.

Without warning, the exotic birds in their oversized cages flapped their wings, squawking and screaming. The dogs yipped. The snakes coiled and uncoiled. The fish churned their waters.

And from a distance came the sound of gunfire.

***

We’re getting closer to the October 20th publication date every day!

If you are planning to get a Kindle version of my new novel, Bob, The Right Hand of God, you can now pre-order on Amazon, and the minute the book is published, the book will appear in your Kindle. Click here to purchase: Kindle version of Bob, The Right Hand of God.

If you wish to buy a paperback copy, click here: Bob, The Right Hand of God, sign up for email notifications, and Amazon will let you know the minute it is for sale.

I truly hope this book will amuse you, entertain you, make you think and perhaps even dream a bit about what it would be like if God decided to recreate the world.

Posted in books, fiction, writing. Tags: Bob The Right Hand of God, Dark humor, Excerpt from Bob the Right Hand of God, humorous science fiction, Pre-order kindle book on Amazon, sign up for email notification on Amazon, What if God decided to recreate the world. Leave a Comment »

Freedom Vs. Security

October 13, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I spent much of the morning researching identity politics because it’s the hot issue of our time (one of them anyway), and I figured I should know what it is. From what I can figure out, after distilling what truth I could find in the midst of all the rhetoric is that some people believe each special group deserves special consideration. Each group, that is, besides white Christians and white males. Those two are fair game. Otherwise, the issue is about equity, not equality. Equality is about treating everyone the same regardless of their group identity. Equity is about treating everyone unequally, depending on that identity. A simplistic definition, I know, but that seems to be the basis of identity politics in a nutshell.

To many people, equality is the way to achieve . . . well, equality. All people are equal regardless of race, color, creed, gender, whatever. While to others, equity is about achieving . . . I don’t know exactly. Inequality, for sure since some people are more favored than others. But it’s also about racism. Instead of a color-blind society, we are moving toward a society that is divided ever more by race, creed, etc.

At one time, we in the USA all wanted the same thing — equality, prosperity, freedom — or at least most of us did. The party lines were drawn by the difference in how people wanted to go about achieving those ends.

Now the division is created not in trying to come together to achieve the same end, but in trying to achieve completely different ends. In my life, I’ve never seen such a division in the goals between the parties. I’ve never seen such blatant Marxism being bandied about. Never seen a lot of what’s going on, that’s for sure. I’ve especially never seen so much suppression being forced on us in the name of freedom.

I don’t know what got me started on this — I actually came here to post another excerpt from my book that’s coming out in a week (October 20!). I suppose it makes sense that I’m thinking of freedom, because that’s the underlying theme of Bob, the Right Hand of God — how much freedom we’re willing to give up for security, and how much security we’re willing to give up for freedom.

If I were to write the book today, I’d have to add a third theme, about how much freedom we’re willing to give up for the sake of equity, because that seems to be one of the themes of our time. Maybe I will pursue this third theme if I ever decide to write a sequel to Bob, the Right Hand of God.

For now, the theme of freedom vs. security is still a good one, especially considering all the freedoms we’ve given up in the attempt to save us from disease.

If you wish to buy a paperback copy, click here: Bob, The Right Hand of God, sign up for email notifications, and Amazon will let you know the minute it is for sale.

I truly hope this book will amuse you, entertain you, make you think and perhaps even dream a bit about what it would be like if God decided to recreate the world.

Posted in culture, fiction, writing. Tags: Bob The Right Hand of God, equity vs equality, freedom vs security, Identity politics, Pre-order kindle book on Amazon, sign up for email notification on Amazon, What if God decided to recreate the world. 2 Comments »

Good News for Kindle Owners

October 12, 2020 — Pat Bertram

If you wish to buy a paperback copy, click here: Bob, The Right Hand of God, sign up for email notifications, and Amazon will let you know the minute it is for sale.

We’re getting closer to the October 20th publication date every day! I truly hope this book will amuse you, entertain you, make you think and perhaps even dream a bit about what it would be like if God decided to recreate the world.

An excerpt from Bob, The Right Hand of God for you:

The chiming of the bell over the door reverberated through the quiet store. All day the animals, especially the birds, had been uncharacteristically silent. Chet thought John was right about something strange going on. But what? Not a storm. Usually the extra electricity in the air preceding a storm made the creatures animated, not lethargic. Unless, perhaps, the storm was gathering strength, like a tidal wave sucking water away from the shore before crashing down upon it.

Deciding he had too active an imagination, Chet went to wait on his customers—a woman and a little boy in search of a puppy.

“I’m sorry. I don’t sell puppies.” While managing a pet store in the mall, he learned the horrors of puppy mills, and now that he had his own store, he refused to support those businesses.

“Kitty!” The boy toddled over to the orange cat and squatted down to study it.

The cat stared back, its emerald eyes narrowed to slits.

“Does it have a name?” the woman asked.

“I’m sure it does.”

“Well? What is it?”

“I don’t know. He never told me.”

Her brows drew together. “How much do you want for it?”

“He’s not for sale; he’s my business partner. But I have a litter of kittens that will be weaned in another week.”

“I really wanted a puppy.”

“Would you please take one step to your right, Ma’am?”

“What?”

Chet gestured to the knee-high frilled lizard that had released itself from the cage and, on its hind legs, was running laps from wall to wall.

Stifling a shriek, the woman scooped up the boy and scurried outside.

Chet reached into a pocket for the small bag of lemon drops he always carried and popped one in his mouth while he watched the little dragon. The zoo had kept it in a cage too small to allow it freedom of movement, and a muscle in a hind leg had atrophied, but now that it got plenty of exercise, the leg seemed to have healed.

When the lizard finished its laps and scampered back to its cage, Chet looked down at the orange cat. “Would you watch the store for me? I’d like to run next door to see if Rosemary has any stale flowers for the tortoises.”

The cat licked a paw then washed behind an ear.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator

Posted in books, fiction, writing. Tags: Bob The Right Hand of God, Excerpt from Bob the Right Hand of God, frilled lizard, Pre-order kindle book on Amazon, puppy mill, sign up for email notification on Amazon, What if God decided to recreate the world. 2 Comments »

Countdown to Publication

October 10, 2020 — Pat Bertram

It’s only ten days until the publication of my new novel, which will be published on October 20, 2020. If you would like to be notified by email when the book is available, click here: Bob, The Right Hand of God, sign up for email notifications, and Amazon will let you know the minute it is for sale. Meantime, here are a couple of brief excerpts to whet your interest:

The screen went black.

“Something must be wrong with the cable,” Isabel said. “I’ll call them tomorrow.”

After thirty seconds of whistles, hums, and buzzes, the picture came back on. Instead of the anchorperson, the head of a gnomish man with a round, bespectacled face, a bald pate, and a receding chin filled the screen.

Isabel clicked off the television and stood up. “We must have missed the news.”

Clutching the remote, she stalked to the guestroom and shut the door.

Chet continued to stare at the darkened screen. He would have liked to see more of Bob—looked like it could have been an interesting science fiction movie—but dealing with Isabel exhausted him. He didn’t have the energy to get up and manually turn the television back on.

[The next day, John the butcher stopped by Chet’s pet store with entrails and such for the reptiles. They talked for a bit, then John started to leave, hesitated, and turned back.]

“Does it feel a little strange to you today?”

“Strange how?”

“I don’t know. Just a creepy feeling I have, like a storm’s coming.” John twitched his shoulders. “Probably nothing. Maybe I let that Bob thing get to me.”

“What Bob thing?” Chet asked.

“Some guy pulled an April Fool’s prank last night. Hacked into the television signal. Claimed he was The Right Hand of God. Silly, but I’ve been feeling creepy all day.”

“I thought it was a movie.”

“Nope. A friend of mine at Channel Ten told me they lost the signal for about five minutes.”

Chet shivered. “Now I’ve got the creeps. Thanks a lot.”

And so the saga begins . . .