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Happy Friday the 12Ath!

December 13, 2013 — Pat Bertram

I have no particular opinion or fear about thirteen or Friday or Friday the thirteenth, though I do find a lot of irony associated with the avoidance of thirteen. For example, buildings with more than 13 floors don’t call the 13th floor the 13th floor, but instead skip the number and go directly to the 14th floor or call it 12A. It’s still the 13th floor, right? So do people simply fear the number rather than the actual floor? And if they fear the number, do they refuse to buy baker’s dozens of donuts or cookies? (Though perhaps that is dating me — I don’t think I’ve come across a baker’s dozen of anything in a long time.) And if it’s the number thirteen they fear, why is only Friday the thirteeth a fearful day? I realize it’s the conjunction of fateful Friday and the ominous number that causes friggatriskaidekaphobia, but still, for those with the simpler case of triskaidekaphobia, wouldn’t any thirteenth day of the month be cause for concern?

(Interesting side note — in many Spanish speaking countries, Tuesday the thirteenth is the unlucky day, so for them, the movie Friday the Thirteenth was renamed Tuesday the Thirteenth.)

If Friday the thirteenth were really an unlucky day as more than 20 million Americans believe, to be on the safe side, shouldn’t the calendar makers follow the example of builders and call change all 13s that fall on a Friday to 14 or maybe even 12A? And speaking of calendars, our current calendar was not universally adopted in Europe until the eighteenth century. So is our current Friday the thirteenth the real Friday the thirteenth? Wouldn’t the day fall on other dates using other calendars?

Today is an especially interesting day considering that it’s exactly thirteen weeks since the last Friday the thirteenth in this year of twenty-thirteen, but I don’t know if that makes it more it a more dire day or simply a matter of curiosity.

Whether or not you believe that Friday the thirteenth is bad luck (and if you do, please forgive my levity), I hope you have a fearfully wonderful day.

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Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

Posted in culture, life. Tags: 13th floor, Friday the 13th, friggatriskaidekaphobia, triskaidekaphobia, Tuesday the 13th. 2 Comments »

White Elephants, Life, and Other Gifts

December 12, 2013 — Pat Bertram

I went to a Christmas party last night, the first one in . . . well, to tell the truth, I can’t remember ever going to a Christmas party, though I must have sometime or other.

We were each supposed to bring a gift — a white elephant, they said.

The term “white elephant” is derived from the supposed Thai tradition of a king bestowing such an elephant on a subordinate he wished to ruin. The elephants were costly to maintain, didn’t do any work, and needed to be available to anyone who wished to worship the holy creature. A white elephant, then, is something unnecessary that is more trouble than it’s worth.

How that definition of white elephant fits in with a white elephant gift exchange, I don’t know, since the way the term is used now, a white elephant is simply something you have but don’t want, something you make, or maybe even something you buy that isn’t expensive. Some people at the party brought wrapped up junk — a bag of old video tapes, a cracked mug, long-expired candy. Others gave an elaborate gift like an insulated backpack or something special like a handmade birdhouse.

We played a game with the gifting. We each got a number. The first person picked a gift, and opened it. The second person could “steal” that gift if they liked it or pick a new one. The last person, of course, could choose any of the opened gifts or take a chance on the final unopened one. (If someone “stole” the gift you had opened, you got to choose another one.)

It was an interesting psychological study. Some people very boldly went and snatched the opened gift they wanted. Others did it timidly or apologetically. The rest just took an unopened gift, choosing one carefully after examining all the offerings, or simply picking one at random.

Me? I acted true to form. When it came to my turn, I chose the nearest unopened gift. There was one opened one that I would have liked, but someone had already stolen the gift — an insulated back pack fitted out with accoutrements for a picnic — and I knew she wanted it. I could have stolen it from her, of course, but any pleasure I would have derived from the gift would have been dimmed by her disappointment. There were a few other gifts that might have been nice to have, but the truth is, when it comes to life and other gifts, I will always choose a mysterious unknown over a mediocre known, even though I know there is a good chance I will come out of it badly. (As I did — I got a bottle of men’s cologne, which I have absolutely no use for. I ended up giving it away.)

Even though I came away without a gift, I’m grateful I didn’t get stuck with a real white elephant. The zoning variances alone would have cost a fortune!

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Posted in culture, life. Tags: Christmas party, gift exchange, white elephant gift exchange, white elephant meaning. 7 Comments »

And oh, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive

December 10, 2013 — Pat Bertram

I went to a dance recital at the college the other day, and wow, those kids could fly! So young, so fit, so lithe. None of the dancers would have even a glimmer of clumsiness while doing the sitting test with incredible ease. Of course, the test is geared toward older folk, but even when I was young I didn’t have the strength and agility those kids had.

The first dance is the one that had the most impact on me, probably because it was the first. I’d never seen some of the stunts they pulled. Although dozens of dancers were on stage at all times, not everyone performed the same steps. It seemed as if two or three dances were going on at the same time in a dizzying blur of interconnected motion. But one thing they all did at one point— lie down as if they were going to do pushups, and then, on hands and toes, hop to the side again and again.

It was a very powerful dance, and no wonder — the song they danced to was “thatPower”. Not a song I was familiar with. Not one I would ever have willingly listened to. Most of it was . . . well, to be kind, let’s just say it’s not my kind of music. The chorus, however, is haunting me, and I’m allowing it to play in my mind.

In the midst of the non-song, the chorus (sung by Justin Bieber) was surprisingly tuneful and uplifting:

And oh, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And oh, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly
And oh, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And I’m loving every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger power.

Usually I can’t stand when a song plays itself repeatedly in my head and do what I can to remove it, but I like this message, this affirmation. I am alive. I can fly if only in my thoughts and dreams. And while I might not be loving every minute, I am living every second, minute, hour. And I am getting better and stronger, more powerful. Sometimes I can even feel the power, though I don’t know where that power comes from. The earth maybe. Grief maybe. Myself maybe. I do know I am more confident than I’ve ever been. More accepting of life and its ups and downs. Enjoying being alive — coming alive — for the first time in many years.

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Posted in being me, culture, life. Tags: And oh I'm alive, dance recital, haunted by a song, Justin Bieber, song in my head, thatPower. 3 Comments »

Wise Women of Cyberspace

December 9, 2013 — Pat Bertram

I’ve met many wise and wonderful women online while struggling to find my way through grief, women who gave me the courage to do what was necessary — accept the pain, feel each emotion as it arose, and somehow find a way to live with it. One such woman and I would talk on Facebook about grief now and again — she was three years ahead of me in the process, and had found a new direction in her life, which gave me hope that someday, I too, would manage to find peace and even renewed life.

She posted one of her comments from our conversation on her blog today, Patience, Wallowing and Defragmentation, and explained how the lessons she learned while dealing with grief have helped her in dealing with health issues.

The conversation she referred to in her blog took place two years ago, but that wasn’t the end of our discussions. Just a couple of months ago I wrote: “It is sinking in that I couldn’t make him well when he was alive, and I can’t keep him with me now that he’s dead. As much as I hate his being dead, in a way, it has nothing to do with me.”

She responded:”That’s the toughest part — realizing that their death has nothing to do with us and that we are all, while connected through a web of energy, uniquely created beings following our own individual path. Regardless of how connected we are to some people in some ways, their path is theirs and ours is ours.”

It’s this knowledge that his death belongs to him and my life belongs to me that has helped me move beyond my mourning. My grief for him cannot make him alive once more, cannot change one facet of his life or his death. Of course, I had little choice in my grief — it came from somewhere so deep inside that I’d never know such a place existed. Grief still wells up on its own now and again, but I don’t try to hold on to it, don’t try to hold on to the past, don’t try to hold on to him. And perhaps, that takes the most courage of all — letting him go.

Lucky for me, I had such a wise woman giving me counsel.

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Posted in grief, life, relationships. Tags: grief support, lessons of grief, letting go of the past, living with grief, mourning. 5 Comments »

How Many Years Do You Have Left?

December 7, 2013 — Pat Bertram

Sometimes research gets so bizarre and obtuse that the results seem meaningless. For example, Brazilian physician Claudio Gil Araujo came up with a test to predict how many years we have left.

The test was for 51 to 80 year olds, but so far I haven’t found anyone that age who could perform the test perfectly, not even the dancers I know. For the test, you’re supposed to stand in the middle of the room, cross your legs, then gracefully lower yourself into a cross-legged sitting position without using your hands, elbows, or knees. You get 5 points if you can get down into a sitting position. If you can do it but are clumsy, you lose a point. Every time a hand or knee touched the ground, you lose another point. Next, you’re supposed to stand up, legs still crossed, without any part of you touching the ground. This gains you another five points, but again, if you are clumsy, you lose a point. Every time a body part touches the ground, you lose a point.

The maximum is ten points. Araujo’s research indicated that if you score less than 8 points, you are twice as likely to die within the next five years as those who scored more than 8, and if you score less than 3 points, you are five times more likely to die.

According to these statistics, I should have been dead long ago. I have never in my life, except perhaps as a small child, been able to do simply cross my legs and sink gracefully into a cross-legged sitting position.

Beyond that, the parameters of the test were ridiculous — there is a vast difference in mortality and fitness, health and agility from the ages of 51 to 80. The test would have had more validity if it centered on a single age or at least narrowed the age grouping. 51 to 60, 61 to 70, 71 to 80. It should also have been divided by men and women.

A 51-year-old male has a .59% chance of dying within a year, and a 51-year-old woman has a .35% chance of dying. An 80-year-old man has a 6.16% chance of dying within a year, and an 80-year-old woman has a 4.39 chance of dying. Considering that as a rule men have shorter life expectancies, and 68% of the participants were men, the test results would have been skewed even further. Supposedly, they adjusted for such factors, but there was no indication of what those adjustments comprised. Besides, genetics is a huge factor. If one’s parents lived to a very old age, you have a better chance of doing so yourself regardless of your ability to sit crosslegged. (The test does not apply to those less than 50 since the results are vastly different.)

The way I figure, f you want to know how long you have left to live — just live life to the fullest, and one day you will arrive at the end. Then you will know.

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Posted in culture, life. Tags: Brazilian physician Claudio Gil Araujo, how long you have left to live, how many years do you have left, life expectancy, sitting test. 4 Comments »

Grief: Yes, There is Hope

December 6, 2013 — Pat Bertram

A woman whose husband died six months ago contacted me to say she’s reading Grief: The Great Yearning and is finding comfort from knowing that what she is feeling, others have felt. She mentioned that some things I wrote were identical to things she wrote in her journal, which goes to show that grief is individual, and yet much is the same when it comes to losing a husband or a soul mate. The pain goes down so deep, it hits places in our psyches we didn’t even know existed.

The woman asked how I was doing, then posed the question that haunted me for years: “Is there hope for me?”

It’s hard to believe, when you are lost in the cyclone called grief, that there will ever come a time of peace. Since I had no such belief, I held tight to the belief of others that the pain will ebb, that I will find renewal. They kept telling me to be patient, that it takes three to five years, but around four years most people find a renewed interest in life. And so it is with me. I feel alive again. I still have an underlying sadness. I miss him, of course, and always will — I even cry for him occasionally, though the tears pass easily without lingering pain.

I am finding that certain songs, movies, days, memories, bring about an upsurge of grief, and apparently, from what others have experienced, this will be true for the rest of my life, but at least I feel as if I am alive. I felt disconnected from life for a long time, as if I too had died. And partly, that is true — the person I was when I was with him did die. But now I need to be the person I am when I am with me. I can no longer take him into the equation of my life. My being alive does not make his being dead any less significant, though oddly, his being dead does make my being alive more significant. I once loved deeply. I once was so connected to another human being that his death sent me reeling for years.

But now, I am me. Just me. Not a bad thing to be.

This change in me is obvious. I met someone on my walk today, someone I’d talked to sporadically over the past three and a half years. He stopped me, asked me how I became such a star. (Radiant, he meant.) He barely recognized me, even though I was wearing the same sort of comfortable and inelegant clothes I always wear when walking. In fact, he said at first he thought I was young enough to be my daughter. He hunched his shoulders forward to show me how I used to walk — like an old woman.

So yes, there is hope. If you’re still grieving or feeling unalive after suffering a significant loss, take heart. If I can find my way back to life, so can you. Just grieve, find comfort where you can, try new things, and be patient with yourself. The pain does ebb, and chances are, around the fourth or fifth-year anniversary, you will find a renewed interest in life. Until then, wishing you peace.

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Posted in being me, culture, grief, life. Tags: fourth year of grief, grief gets better, hope and grief, renewal after grief, there is hope for grief. 2 Comments »

My Midnight Visitor

December 3, 2013 — Pat Bertram

The title of this post isn’t entirely accurate. It wasn’t a midnight visitor, more like an evening visitor, but “midnight visitor” sounds mysterious, which is fitting for such a mysterious visitation. Besides, it seems apt for this Yule season.

Last night I visited with a friend who wants to start a blog to spread the word about her faith. She hadn’t realized I knew how to blog, and was delighted when I offered to send her a blog tutorial I had written and to help if she had questions. She told me it must have been God’s will for her to come see me, and I agreed. (Although my faith might be so weak as to be almost non-existent at times, I am always respectful of other people’s beliefs.) A minute or two later, I happened to look out the window. The sky was a bright, happy orange. I told her, “See, God likes the idea of your blogging.”

We laughed and hugged, then she went out to take photos and I went to get my camera. I was so excited by the sunset — I had never seen such a vivid sky — that I left the door to the patio wide open. When I went back inside, a bird was caroming all over the living room. I try to shoo it out, but it hid behind a sideboard. Yikes.

Birds in the house scare me. They’re not like bugs that you can capture in a bottle and either throw away or release outside. Birds are big and wild and alien and frightened. Once when a bat crawled through a half-inch space between the screen and the casement of an open window, we waited until it fell asleep clinging to the curtains, then we used a very large container to capture it. But last night’s bird was huge. Poor thing, it was as upset by the episode as I was. Even though the door was open, it didn’t seem to be able to find its way out. My friend suggested opening the door wider, and as I did, the bird must have caught a whiff of freedom, because he flew over my head and was gone.

All in all, a very colorful evening.

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Posted in blogging, life. Tags: birds in the house, midnight visitor, orange sunset. 5 Comments »

Taking “Z” Things With Gratitude

November 30, 2013 — Pat Bertram

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. ~~ G. K. Chesterton

All this month, I’ve been taking with gratitude some of those things I often take for granted — an entire alphabet’s worth! Since today is the twenty-sixth day of this surge of gratitude, I am giving thanks for “Z” things.

I am especially grateful for:

Zaniness. There is not enough zaniness in the world. There is plenty of idiosyncrasy and unconventionality, but these are so often serious choices and serious pursuits without the fun and amusement that are necessary for zaniness. Still, there is some zaniness in the world, for which I am grateful, and in the coming years, I will do my part to add to that zaniness, if by nothing else than my amusing hats.

Zebras. I am grateful for zebras and other mythical creatures. I call zebras mythical because although they are supposed to exist, I have never seen one. I’m not a big fan of zoos (another Z!) since I can’t bear to see anyone or anything caged, but I am grateful for zoos because someday, perhaps, I will be able to see such a beast.

Zeal. I am grateful that I can still muster up enough zeal to start such projects as this alphabet of gratitude.

Zenith. And I am grateful for the zenith (meaning culmination) of this project. I’m not sure I learned much from it, nor am I sure it made me any happier, but at least I pondered for a few minutes each day about what to take with gratitude. So many things for which to be grateful. Such a wonderful world!

Wishing you many zzzzzzs.

So what “Z” things are you taking with gratitude?

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Posted in culture, life. Tags: an attitude of gratitude, being grateful, giving thanks, take things with gratitude, zaniness, zeal. 2 Comments »

Taking “Y” Things With Gratitude

November 29, 2013 — Pat Bertram

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. ~~ G. K. Chesterton

For the rest of November, I’m going to take with gratitude some of those things I often take for granted — an entire alphabet’s worth! Since today is the twenty-fifth day of this surge of gratitude, I am giving thanks for “Y” things.

I am especially grateful for:

Yellow. Such a lovely, sunny color that mostly shows it face in the flowers of spring or the changing leaves of autumn. It’s hard to be unhappy in the presence of yellow — yellow makes us optimistic and brings clarity of thought. (Hmmm. Makes we wonder if I need to get a yellow shirt or even a scarf since I don’t own anything yellow, though at one time it was my favorite color.) So, today, I will be looking for yellow, and taking whatever I find with gratitude.

Yesterday. We take yesterday for granted. What else can we do? Yesterday is gone. And yet, and yet . . . I am grateful for all my yesterdays, for where I’ve been, what I learned, who I loved.

Yes. In recent years, I have made a practice of automatically saying “yes” to any opportunity that might arise, which has taken me to so many wonderful places. I said yes to a trip to Seattle to see Shen Yun, said yes to speak at a writers’ conference at St. Simons Island, said yes to fairs and festivals, said yes to shows and classes, said yes to merry-go-rounds and Ferris wheels, said yes to bizarre experiences and enjoyable excursions. After years of a constrained lifestyle where I didn’t have the luxury of accepting invitations (which, to be honest, were few and far between), “yes” has changed my attitude. Someday, “yes” might even change my life. So, today I will take with gratitude that simple little word, “yes.”

Youthfulness. Although I am not really youthful in years, appearance, or even outlook, there is still in me a youthfulness of spirit — a willingness to embrace new things, an ability to look around me with wonder, a yearning for adventure. I am grateful for that youthful spirit, and looking forward to wherever it might take me.

So what “Y” things are you taking with gratitude?

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Posted in culture, life. Tags: an attitude of gratitude, being grateful, giving thanks, take things with gratitude, yellow, yes, yesterday, youthfulness. Leave a Comment »

Taking “X” Things With Gratitude

November 28, 2013 — Pat Bertram

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. ~~ G. K. Chesterton

For the rest of November, I’m going to take with gratitude some of those things I often take for granted — an entire alphabet’s worth! Since today is the twenty-fourth day of this surge of gratitude, I am giving thanks for “X” things.

I am especially grateful for:

X. There is a single page in my dictionary for X, so there’s not a lot of X things to take with gratitude. I could be grateful for X-ray machines (and I am when I need one, just not today). I could be grateful for xeriscaping, and I am — elder care is hard enough without adding lawn care to the duties. I could be grateful for xylophones, and I will be if ever I get one. So what “X” thing am I taking with gratitude today? Just that — X.

X marks the spot, and this spot — this blog — is something to take with gratitude. I’ve been blogging for more than six years, and daily blogging for more than two years, and still, I find comfort, companionship, caring, and contemplation here. So I am very grateful for this opportunity.

X stands for the unknown, and I am grateful for all the unknowns (unknown to me, that is) who stop by. And I’m grateful to those I have come to know by their comments. You have helped make me feel at home here, made me even feel wise at times.

I’m also grateful for the unknowns who helped prepare today’s meal. Since my 97-year-old father (who I am looking after) eats very little and since his idea of haute cuisine is Ensure, there was no reason to cook a holiday dinner from scratch, so I made it simple — rotisserie chicken, boxed stuffing, canned cranberry sauce, bottled gravy, bakery pumpkin pie, and yams. (Those I did cook — just plain yams, no carmelizing or marshmallowing). It was very good, actually, and the best part was that the whole things — the preparation, the meal, and the cleaning up — took little more than an hour, which leaves me the whole day to do . . . X. (Whatever that might be.)

So what “X” things are you taking with gratitude?

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