life | Bertram's Blog

Open Sesame

July 16, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Oh, frabjous day! So, I’m mixing my quotes — Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves and Jabberwocky — but I don’t care. My garage opener has been installed!

No more struggling with a car cover, no more sweating out storms to make sure my car doesn’t sustain any damage (as if even a bucket of my sweat would stay a single hailstone or slow so much as a gust of wind), no more announcing my away-from-home status by the absence of the vehicle. The bug is snug in its beautiful new home, and oh, how wonderful is modern day magic! I don’t have to say open sesame or crack a sound. All I do is press a button and . . . presto. The door opens by magic.

And the magic is all mine.

The wonderful magician who installed this magic apparatus understands me well — he double bolted the mechanism to two different trusses to make sure there is no way it will ever fall on my car. (Worrier that I am, that thought did cross my mind and even my lips.)

Sometimes I worry that I’m getting too caught up in the things of my current life, but how I can I not? It’s all so magical. Water comes to me with a twist of a knob. Wastes are washed away with the touch of a finger. Foods heat up without a flame. My non-nomadic abode requires no effort to put up or take down — it stays put. And the sturdy walls protect me from the elements and even provide my own microclimate.

Magic for sure!

When the installer left today, I took a short ride for no other reason than the thrill of opening and closing the door. The creepy, thieving, drug-dealing, loud-music-playing neighbor took that very moment to wander down the alley, which made me especially glad about the secure garage. It made me nervous at first, his seeing inside the garage, but maybe it’s for the best. This way he knows that he can’t easily get to anything in the building.

It would be nice if everyone in the neighborhood was as trustworthy as the rest of my neighbors, but I suppose any magic kingdom needs its trolls and trollocs, its devil toads and poison mushrooms, its evil minions. At least my nemesis is only human. But I’m straying from the point. Or not. After all, I’m talking about magic, and that includes the protective spells of locked gates and secure buildings that keep the crone safe.

Yep. Magic.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator

Posted in home, house, life. Tags: building a garage, creepy neighbor, double bolting a garage door opener, garage door opener, getting caught up in things, providing my own microclimate, the magic of modern day living. 6 Comments »

Touchdown

July 15, 2020 — Pat Bertram

A touchdown is generally a good thing when it comes to spacecraft and airplanes, though in the case of airplanes, that initial touch can sure get the adrenaline going, especially when the plane bounces and then touches down yet again. A touchdown in football is a good thing for the one making the goal and a not-so-good thing for the opposite team. (At least, that’s my understanding of the game, though a touchdown could mean something else for all I know since my knowledge of football is limited to movies like The Replacements, Necessary Roughness, Rudy, and Radio.)

A touchdown when it comes to weather is something entirely different.

Last night, the tornado sirens sounded as they sometimes do. Normally I don’t worry because the familiar signs of an impending tornado are often absent, especially the eerie green skies. Last night, however, the ambient light was a sickly yellow-green. I waited to hear the screaming winds that often herald a touchdown, but all I could hear was the wind in the trees and the rain pounding against the windows. (Luckily no hail, though some areas around here did get bombarded.)

Since I didn’t want to go down into the basement — I’ve lost whatever talent for stairs I once had and so I was more afraid of falling than I was of the storm — I brushed my teeth. It sounds silly, doesn’t it? But the bathroom, which has no window, is the safest place next to the basement, and I wasn’t scared enough to huddle on the floor of the shower. So I brushed my teeth.

And the storm passed. Well, except for that one thing — a sheriff’s deputy got a video of a tornado touching down right outside of town.

Apparently, the cloud touched down for a few seconds, but there was no damage and no one was hurt.

This morning, I went outside and looked askance at Mother Nature. The crone gave me an innocent look as if to say, “What? Did I do something wrong?” All was still (except for those ubiquitous doves and their incessant call, “What-todo, what-todo.”). The sun shone with a golden light, the skies were bright blue, and the only indication of a storm was the standing water in the gutters where the drainage is especially poor.

Clouds are starting to roll in again, which is to be expected during monsoon season. (Normally, the winds in Colorado come from the west or northwest, but during the summer, they shift and come from the south and southwest and bring moisture and afternoon storms from the gulfs.) We can use the rain since this area is in extreme drought, but please, hold the tornadoes.

Things are bad enough — we don’t need any touchdowns around here.

***

Posted in culture, life. Tags: Colorado monsoon weather, extreme drought, monsoon, Necessary Roughness, The Replacements, tornado, tornado weather, touchdown. 4 Comments »

A Day for Dozing

July 14, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I keep opening my laptop to write today’s blog, but then I play a game of solitaire, close the lid and go read a bit and end up taking a nap. I don’t know why I can’t stay awake. The heat perhaps, though it’s not all that hot in the house. It could be something to do with the falling barometric pressure and the storm that is on the way bringing rain and hail.

This area is notorious for hail, so much so that some insurance companies don’t include hail damage in house or car insurance policies, and the ones that do include some coverage, have a huge deductible. (The insurance companies say it’s the law in Colorado, but they aren’t fooling anyone — they want the law, policy holders don’t.) One good thing, my car is finally under cover, so I don’t have to worry about the poor things being pummeled by golf ball-size hail.

Although I don’t think it has anything to do with today’s sleepiness, today is Jeff’s birthday. That milestone doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me anymore — it just seems like another number and a reason to remember him as well as indulge in a bit of nostalgia.

Even though I feel good about my life now, I still miss him, still find myself confused at times about his being gone. I know it’s the way it is, and I have become used to it, but it still seems . . . off. As if maybe our being together was a dream. As if I dreamed him and none of that was real. Or maybe it’s this particular phase of my life that’s not particularly real. Either way, it doesn’t seem as if his life has anything to do with mine. Or mine with him.

It was a long time ago — our life together. His death.

I wrote a post seven years ago about how, in the movie Heaven Must Wait, Andrew McCarthy tells Louise Lombard that his mother died. She told him she was sorry. He said, “It was a long time ago.” At the time, the line struck me as particularly poignant, and I realized that someday, I too would say, “It was a long time ago.”

It is odd, and perhaps typical of such a loss as mine, that although time passes and other things in life supplant at least some of his influence, and although I don’t think of him all the time, I do always miss him. The void he left behind that I filled with tears is still there, but when I happen to brush against that void, I tend to shy away from it. I don’t need the tears as I once did, and there’s no real benefit to indulging in sadness anymore. It really was a long time ago.

And yet . . .

Maybe that’s reason enough for sadness — that he’s so far away the tears no longer come.

Considering body memory, I suppose it’s possible that the effects of this day are draining my energy enough to make me doze off. But whatever the reason, the truth — the still hurtful truth — is that I am here and he is not.

***

Posted in grief, life. Tags: Andrew McCarthy, birthday of a deceased spouse, deceased soul mate, dozing off, falling barometric pressure, Heaven Must Wait, missing the deceased, the void the dead leave behind. 6 Comments »

Where I Want to Be

July 13, 2020 — Pat Bertram

A friend is on vacation, spending a week with her family in the mountains. I felt a twinge of envy when she told me, and then it dawned on me: I am where I want to be. I don’t need to go anywhere to find respite from life’s hassles or even from the heat. I have arrived at my place of respite.

It’s a nice realization to have made. For almost a decade, I didn’t want to be where I was but I had nowhere to go, no way even to decide where to go so I rented rooms and wandered, both on foot and in the car. I thought that’s what I wanted — a nomadic life — and I suppose, at the time, it’s what I needed.

And now I need something else.

If I were young, I’d probably have continued to embrace that sort of uncertainty because there is security to be found when one is comfortable with uncertainty in an uncertain world. There is still uncertainty in this new world of mine of course. There is always uncertainty, and it’s hard not to worry about being able to sustain this lifestyle. (I act as if I am financially sound, which is far from the truth.) But a person does need a place to live, and when one is on the cusp of elderliness, one needs a safe place to live.

That is what I am trying to create here — a safe place for the elder me. And, when I keep my worries where they belong — out of my head — I know I am doing the right thing.

Today’s tarot pick was probably the most apropos of the cards I’ve picked this month. I didn’t ask what I needed to know as I usually do. I just picked and, interestingly, it answered the question that concerned me yesterday about the wisdom of continuing to fix existing problems in and around the house considering that any money I spend now is money I won’t be able to live on later.

But the card, the ten of pentacles, says that everything I put my efforts into now will pay off in the future. It also says that everything will work out well in the end because I have always kept the long term in view. Other sources say this card is about seeking permanence, feeling secure as things are, creating a lasting foundation.

Although I’m not sure how much I believe in the cards, I do find comfort in finding this external assurance of my internal feelings.

At least it will help me keep the worries at bay and allow me to find enjoyment in creating a home for myself today and the self I will be tomorrow.

***

Posted in home, house, life. Tags: creating a home, embracing uncertainty, feeling safe in my house, fixing up a house for an older person, my house, tarot card, ten of pentacles, trying not to worry. 5 Comments »

A Slightly Dreamy Woman

July 12, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I’ve been doing a one-card tarot reading every morning this month, and every time I asked the same question — what do I need to know today?

I’m not sure what I need to know, but there is definitely a pattern to the cards. Five of the cards spoke of harmony. Two spoke of balance. Two spoke of working toward one’s dreams, and two said the dreams were coming to fruition because of previous hard work. Two or three mentioned change and growth. (That adds up to more than twelve cards, but some of the cards fell into a couple of these categories.)

It’s interesting to me that there is a theme to the cards I picked, but I have no way of interpreting it. Since at least two of the cards refer to intuition and inspiration, I should be able to intuit the meaning in these cards, but it’s hard to know if they are saying I’m almost to the point of balance and harmony or that I need to work harder to get to that point.

I must admit, I do feel as if I’ve found a balance to my life and seem to be in harmony with my self for a change, but since the tarot is about digging deeper and discovering what we don’t want to face, it’s possible I’m fooling myself. Though if I were, wouldn’t I feel out of harmony?

Either way, being in harmony (or nearing that state) and merely feeling as if I am in that state of near harmony, it seems to be the same thing — a feeling of having found a balance.

But since these cards also speak of change and working toward one’s dreams, maybe it means I have found near-harmony but that’s no reason to rest on my almost balanced laurels.

One of the cards I picked was the Keeper of the Crescents. This is a weird deck, one of those that the creators decided to forgo a lot of the traditional names and meanings and made up their own, as well as switching around the elemental meanings of a couple of the suits. This card is the equivalent to the Page of Cups. The book that came with the cards spent a lot of time describing the card and pointing out the symbolism and mythos of the various aspects of the card, but when it came to interpretation, they said only that it meant a quiet and slightly dreamy woman, full of deep passion and feelings.

Although the card seems apropos, I had to laugh. All of that imagery just to mean something simple as a slightly dreamy woman? Why not just do an image of a slightly dreamy woman then?

When I looked online for Page of Cups, I did find more of an explanation, such as this card representing the unexpected inspiration that comes from the unconscious (though isn’t inspiration, almost by definition, unexpected?), perhaps in ways we might not truly understand. It also says to be open to new ideas that come from intuitive inspiration, despite those ideas being something we might not expect.

So far, I haven’t come upon those new ideas yet — no ideas about the cards I’ve chosen so far this month and no ideas about anything, actually.

If I had an idea, I’d have written about it instead of writing about these cards.

Well, there was one idea that came to me — it suggested that I would have been better served to pick a more traditional deck for this first month’s foray into a daily tarot pick. That way, whatever I learned would have more relevance to other decks. So next month, I’ll be sure to pick a less esoteric deck.

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Posted in culture, life. Tags: being in harmony, if I had an idea, interpreting the tarot, keeper of the crescents, page of cups, tarot, tarot symbolism, unexpected inspiration. 2 Comments »

Snug as a Bug in a . . .

July 11, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Snug as a bug in a rug, you might be thinking, but no. Today the saying is: snug as a bug in a . . . garage!!!!

Look at that happy little car.

The opener hasn’t been installed yet so the door has to be opened manually, and the gravel hasn’t been laid in front of the apron so there was a bit of an impediment getting the car into the garage, and there are a few other minor things that need to be done, but the garage is otherwise finished. I’ll have to move the car when the builders come back so they can put on the finishing touches, but meantime, I’m delighted to have the poor thing out of the brutal sun. And wow, it’s been brutal. I had to turn on the air conditioner at 9:00am this morning just to be able to breathe. Luckily I have an air conditioner. (And grateful am I for that comfort!)

Even though the contractor volunteered to move my storage into the garage, I’ve been feeling guilty about lolling around while other people do the work, so I got started on the task this morning. I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I overdid it a bit, but I’ll be taking it easy the rest of the day. I might be able to finish tomorrow if I haven’t redamaged my knee. Except for sorting through the conglomeration of things, it should be easy — I did all the heavy lifting today.

So, not only do I have my car in the garage, I also have all the boxes of storage items out of my house. The boxes that aren’t in the garage are in the enclosed porch, which is part of the house, but not. For as much work that has been done back there, and for as functional and attractive as the area is, it still has a porchy feel. But soon I’ll be able to reclaim even that room. Then, finally, I will be completely moved in.

And I’ll be as snug as my bug.

***

Posted in home, house, life. Tags: building a garage, enclosed porch, grateful for air conditioning, happy VW bug, moving in, new garage, snug as a bug. 2 Comments »

Big Excitement for the Day

July 10, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I’m reading a book about a consortium that is about to release a virus that kills with acute respiratory distress. The victims gush blood and die. I was thinking about this book in relation to what is going on today, but it sounds a lot like my own novel, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, which was published the year before this one.

In my book, the disease is full-blown, and Colorado — where the disease originated — is quarantined to keep the pandemic in check. In the book I’m reading, there have only been a few test cases, and the consortium has yet to unleash the virus on the world. They’ve been working for the past ten years on a cure, and after releasing the virus into the general population, they are planning on holding the cure hostage until their demands are met. Or maybe they’ll just spring into action with a cure, which would then afford them millions in sales and stock. Either way, it’s a planned pandemic for money.

A couple things about the book interest me more than the possibility of that scenario being played out in the world today. One, the book is a Robert Ludlum book, which is why I started reading it. Not that I like his books. The truth is, I’ve never been able to get past the first chapter or two of any of his books, but I figured this was a good time to struggle through one of his books since I have nothing better to read. Only it’s not a Robert Ludlum book. Oh, it has his name on the cover, but it was written eight or nine years after his death. A true ghost writer!

The other thing that interests me is the hero took a transport from Andrews Air Force Base that landed in the Southern California Logistical Airport near Victorville before taking a helicopter to Ft. Irwin.

So many books, movies, television shows take place in Southern California or touch on the area in some way, and now, having lived there for so many years, I know what these places are. I remember watching a CSI show many years ago, and somehow the Las Vegas crew ended up in Victorville. I’d never heard of the town, hadn’t a clue where it was, and then, in a strange twist of fate, there I was. Well, not Victorville itself, but the Victor Valley area.

And several times I happened to drive the Air Expressway that took me past the turn-off to the Southern California Logistical Airport.

Not that it matters — I have read thousands upon thousands of novels where I couldn’t correctly place the story (and didn’t care) but still, it’s fun to know where places are. And for some reason, Victorville shows up a lot in stories — perhaps because of the nearness to the desert wilderness where bodies can disappear forever. But then, how to explain Bear Lake? That’s another place that often shows up in books. In fact, it was mentioned in the book I just finished, whatever that was. (Obviously, the story was utterly unmemorable. See why I was willing to take a chance on a Ludlum book?)

So, that’s the big excitement for the day — coming across “Southern California Logistical Airport” in a terrible book by a writer who is published under the name of a dead author I never liked.

***

Posted in books, fiction, life. Tags: Air Expressway, Robert Ludlum ghost writer, Robert Ludlum virus book, Southern California in books, Southern California Logistical Airport, Victor Valley, Victorville CA. Leave a Comment »

Getting Closer!

July 9, 2020 — Pat Bertram

The garage is mostly painted, and the shelves built. I might have had to wait for the shelves a bit longer, but the poor worker got tired of moving the heavy shipping boxes around, and since he found out he was the one who would have to build the shelves, he went ahead and put them together.

It’s amazing to me the things that people who know how to do things can do. A connecting part was missing, and he managed to find a way to bolt the two parts of the standards together. A new part has been ordered, but there’s a chance it will never be used because if there is one thing I have learned in life it’s that there is nothing so permanent as a temporary solution.

I’ve tried not to get too excited about the garage since it’s been taking so long, but now that it’s nearing completion and the time for moving my car in is getting closer, I find myself getting excited. Who knew I’d ever want a “dream garage”? But that’s what I’m getting.

It will be good to have a home for my stuff, too. Maybe when I see the totality of it, I’ll find a way to whittle it down. On the other hand, I have shelves! I might as well fill them. I know the current philosophy is that if you haven’t used anything in a year, it should be gotten rid of, but some things make me smile even if I don’t use them, and other things are left over from a previous life (lifestyle?) and someday I might find myself back in that same mindset. I figure that even though I’m getting closer to elderlihoodness, I don’t really have to downsize for old age’s sake for several more years. I can wait until I’m a middling elderly rather than a young elderly. By the time I’m an old elderly, I should be down to just what I can use. Or not. After all, I’m not the one who has to get rid of everything when I’m gone because I’ll be . . . gone.

Odd how sometimes practicality has a rather morbid quality, and today is not a day for planning the end, but planning a new beginning. And I am getting closer to my first garage. My own garage. Surely something to celebrate!

I celebrated with a delicious meal of home-grown bacon and fresh farm eggs, a gift from my contractor. I have a hunch he’s getting excited about the project being finished, too. But, there will be other projects . . .

***

Posted in home, house, life. Tags: middling elderly, my dream garage, my first garage, nothing so permanent as a temporary solution, old elderly, shelves for garage, young elderly. 7 Comments »

Pretty White Walls

July 8, 2020 — Pat Bertram

The insulation and the walls of the garage are in, and now the painting begins! The walls are white (not blue as they appear in the photo), to make sure the garage is nice and bright.

I’m still a way from being able to use the garage. Once the walls and ceiling are painted, the opener will be installed, and then gravel will need to be brought in to fill in the space between the driveway and the alley. I think the contractor wants the ramp/sidewalk from the house to the garage done before some of the rest of the work to make sure I have a safe way to get from one building to the next, but I’m not sure if the sequence matters as long as the sidewalk is done.

From the beginning, the contractor has understood that I’m fixing the place up now to prepare for my old age so I can be self-sufficient as long as possible, and he’s been very good about pointing out things I should be done, even things I wouldn’t have thought about. But he’s used to elder-proofing houses and yards, and I’m not used to being an elder. Though I’m getting there. Things I didn’t think I’d have to worry about for a few more years, such as going down the steps to the basement, are definitely things I need to worry about now. My bum knee, though it is healing and isn’t preventing me from doing things I need to do, doesn’t like stairs. (It’s a good thing we decided to make the garage big enough for storage because my original idea of storing things in the basement has become defunct.)

It’s nice having someone look at the place from a different point of view than mine. From his standpoint, I’m sure I already seem old-lady-ish, so it’s not much of a stretch for him to consider my safety, especially when I stumble because of a depression in the yard. Such unevenness will be taken care of with loads of dirt — they have to bring in dirt anyway to fill in where the old garage used to be, and to fill in around the garage — so it will be easy enough to expand the fill site. Besides, he’s going to be putting in pathways for me. (Made from something called breeze?)

It will be fun to gradually fill in the corners of the yard and the various secret spaces created by the walkways with interesting plants and artifacts, so that if I can’t go far, I can still have a micro adventure in my micro park. Such an undertaking will take years, of course — not just because I can only do so much at a time but because things take a long time to grow.

The contractor also seems to understand that I like the work he does, but that I also like the companionship. Knowing that congenial people are here, working for my welfare adds an additional dimension to the experience of owning a house and adds to the richness of the experience. Their presence has certainly helped to keep me from feeling completely isolated during these Bob times.

And it gives me something to look forward to on the days I know someone will be here.

Luckily, from a companionship standpoint, things are far from finished. Even though the garage is nearing completion, there is a whole list of other things that need to be done, such as the water lines replaced, the foundation maintained, the gutters fixed. Etc. Etc. Etc.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Today, I am focusing on the garage and the pretty white wall.

***

Posted in culture, home, life. Tags: breeze pathways, building a garage, elder-proofing a property, insulated garage, preparing for old age, wheelchair ramp, white walls in the garage. 2 Comments »

Pat’s Big Adventure

July 7, 2020 — Pat Bertram

For the past few months, I haven’t been more than a few miles from home. I probably wouldn’t even have gone that far except that I needed to drive my car to keep it working. It’s actually been nice, staying close to home, though I probably wouldn’t have gone so long without a visit to a larger town with larger stores despite The Bob if it hadn’t been for my knee. I wasn’t sure I could drive the fifty-mile round trip, but I was sure I wouldn’t be able to walk across the expanse of the parking lot and then maneuver my way around the store and then stand in the check-out line.

I’ve done well staying on top of the things I need, but the list of items I couldn’t get locally has been growing. Even more than that, I’m getting a feel for the areas in the yard that will need some kind of bush or shrub, and I wanted to see if there was anything I could pick up locally before I threw money down the black hole of mail order plants.

So today, after the workers finished up a stint on the garage, I took off. It kind of surprised me — I would have thought this first excursion in a long time would have taken more planning, but then, it’s something I’d often done, so it’s not like I was stepping off into the unknown.

Still, it was fun, just taking off like that. I thought the drive would feel interminably long, but it was over almost before I settled into trip mode.

The shopping itself was disappointing in a way — although I know this is long past planting time, I expected to find something to interest me, but I didn’t know what any of the plants were and didn’t want to grab indiscriminately. The more prosaic part of the trip — picking up such things as allergy medicines and ointments and cleaning products, as well as some food — was easy, and the drive home was nice. Hot but nice.

As soon as I got in the house, though, we were deluged. Not just with huge sheets of rain, but hail. Mothball size hail. Big enough to sound like rocks being flung against the house, but not big enough to do damage. I am looking forward to being able to put my car in the garage. Hail damage can be severe around here, and some insurance companies won’t insure against hail damage, and the ones that do insure demand a huge deductible. But that’s a worry for another time.

Today, the hail passed quickly. My garage is a bit nearer to completion.

And I went on an adventure.

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