When You’ve Seen One Shopping Center . . . You’ve Seen a Mall.

I went to a mall today to do an errand for someone. This was only the second time I’ve been in a mall in over ten years, and I walked around in amazement. What did anyone want with any of that . . . stuff? What did they do with it? Why would they even want it?  I saw tons of things (several tons, actually) but not one item caught my eye.  That’s not true. Two things caught my eye — a mannequin in a store window with a huge Christmas bow in place of her head and a sign outside another store that said: The entire store is buy one get one free. Such a great sale — if I had the money to buy one store, I’d get a second absolutely free!! Did that include the merchandise,  or just the name and empty shelves? Alas, I could find no answer to my query, only blank stares

The title of this blog post came from an email that’s going around, and if you are another lexiphile (lover of words) like me, you will get a kick out of my punting this list around. (Did you catch my cleverness? Two word plays in one!! Kick and punt, and pun-ting because most of these are puns.) I can already hear your groans, either because you’ve seen these before, or because you haven’t.

Lexiphile’s list:

You can tune a piano, but you can’t . . .  tuna fish.

A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.

To write with a broken pencil is . . . Pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . Take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . Got twelve months.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . Was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . Free of charge.

A will is a . . . Dead giveaway.

If you don’t pay your exorcist . . . You can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . And a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you . .. . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . You can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . Hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . You’ve seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .. Resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . Jog your memory.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . .. It is two tired.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it’s your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. It goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . Was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . Which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . Exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . She thought she’d dye.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . . Then it hit me.