Living in Lockdown

April 21, 2020 — Pat Bertram

The stay-at-home order won’t be extended in Colorado when it expires in a few days, though there will only be a limited opening of businesses and interactions with people. Social distancing is still to be observed.

But . . . the senior population is still in lockdown, allowed to go out only when absolutely necessary. Apparently, agism is alive and well, especially since in many cases older folks are way more vulnerable to the effects of isolation than they are to any pathogen. Still, I’ll go along with the order since it doesn’t make much difference to the way I live my life though it is beginning to make me feel imprisoned.

There’s been no indication of when the library will reopen, and who knows — since I’m one of the locked-down seniors, they might not even let me in when it does open for business again. Social distancing, you know. I still have a couple of weeks’ worth of emergency books left, and I can extend that a bit by watching the DVDs I borrowed from a friend months ago, and then . . . who knows. It’s up to the vagaries of bureaucrats who seem to think we all live in big cities rather than in relatively unpopulated and impoverished counties as some of us do.

A ludicrous aspect of this situation are the emails I keep getting from various businesses, such as insurance companies and utilities, telling me they have my best interests at heart. Not enough to lower prices, of course, just enough to annoy and mystify me. For example, I’ve had appliance insurance for the past year that covered all the major appliances including my washer, and the company is changing over to a new policy that only covers the furnace, water heater, range, and air conditioner. My washer is acting up, and even though the new policy doesn’t go into effect for another week or so, they won’t send anyone out to fix my washer. Apparently, although I’ve been paying the premium, they’d already cancelled the original insurance without telling me.

And my internet provider sent an email saying that to ensure the safety of their customers, they will continue to do critical repairs, but added, “we’ve modified our processes so our technicians can complete exterior work as usual, while relying on our customers to complete interior work.” What the heck? We have to do our own repairs?

On a lighter note (perhaps), the garden frog I’d ordered months ago came in today. Although the statue photographed for the catalog looked happy, this one looks sad or at least pensive. Considering there is not yet a garden for the poor thing, no wonder it doesn’t seem all that pleased to be here.

But where there are plants, there’s hope, and I do have some plants in the ground, including a few lilacs that had to be moved when the garage foundation was put in.

It’s gloomy and windy today, but there is a 50% chance of rain, which would be nice. Not just for my incipient garden, but for a change.

And oh, do I need a change! I think I’ll brave the wind and go out for a short walk. Maybe the activity will blow away some of the feelings of isolation and imprisonment.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

 

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Deep Thoughts. Or Not

April 20, 2020 — Pat Bertram

My last few posts have been more think pieces than my usual diary-like posts as I tried to figure out the truth of what is going on, but today, there isn’t a single thought in my head. Not a deep thought. Not a silly thought. Just . . .

It’s been a pleasant day so far, but I’m not sure it has anything to do with thinking, overthinking, or no thinking. It’s more a matter of having accomplished something.

I’d ordered some summer bulbs a few months ago, thinking my garage would be done by now and I could start landscaping, but nope. Not a single wall has gone up. Even worse, the yard is cluttered with building materials, the things that are supposed to stored in the garage, a metal carport that has already been traded but not yet taken away, and leftovers from the fence and other projects.

Still, the bulbs were just sitting in their packing materials, probably crying out for the sun, so I found a place for them in the yard that won’t be in the way of the workers when/if they ever show up.

I even connected a hose to the front yard water faucet, which is not as easy as it might seem. In fact, last fall when I tried to connect a hose, water spewed all over the place. Enough came through the hose that I was able to water the bulbs I’d just planted. (Some of which recently peeked above the ground, saw who was going to take care of them, and committed hari-kari instead of waiting for my ignorance to do the job for them. Others didn’t even bother checking to see what was going on.) Today, I cleaned the rust from the nozzle with Vaseline, and then the nozzle screwed on.

Such excitement, right?

I hope your day is as pleasant as mine is.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

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The Truth About Truth

April 19, 2020 — Pat Bertram

During the last presidential election, I lost so much respect for so many folks that I didn’t think my opinion of people could get much lower, but I am now losing even more respect for people than I did back then.

It’s not their opinions that matter — or don’t matter — to me. People can believe whatever they want, can say whatever they want, share whatever they want. I read everything. (In this way, if nothing else, I am a bit different from those who read only that which illuminates or proves what they already believe.) I agree with some of what most people say and most of what some people say, so I really have no stake in what is generally believed or disbelieved.

I have learned enough to know that contrary to what people are saying, we are not all in this together. We might all be dealing with the same global situation, but everyone is dealing with their own particular brand of the situation. Some people are terrified while others don’t seem particularly upset. Some people are going stir-crazy with the lockdowns yet for other people, it’s not much different from their pre-quarantine lives. Some people are dying of loneliness and the lack of touch, others are dying from The Bob or other diseases. Some people are grieving, others are just waiting for the restrictions to be lifted. Some people are angry at those who don’t wear masks even out walking by themselves with no one else around. Some people refuse to wear masks unless it is mandated, and sometimes not even then. Some people are losing jobs, others are losing their minds. Still others are living in dread of the aftermath of the shutdown and the long-term repercussions.

We all live with the values we take to heart and whatever truth we can face. Some people’s truth tends to be very religious. For others it’s politics. Still others look behind the headlines of the news to find deeper reasons for what is happening in the world. It’s all good. It’s all truth in its own way.

As Berrnie LaPlante (Dustin Hoffman) says to his son at the end of the movie Hero: “You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking ya about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin’, and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain’t no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that’s your bullshit, so to speak.”

Yep. That about covers it, though I have to admit, the toilet paper analogy is especially amusing and apropos considering the current shortage of both toilet paper and truth.

So why am I losing respect? Because other people don’t have the same laissez-faire attitude that Bernie does. Too often people resort to ridicule, belligerence, sarcasm and other tools of the weak when they are confronted with ideas contrary to their own.

What does it matter to anyone what other people believe to be the truth? That’s their level of bullshit. You have your own. Does it matter that some of your FB friends are turning to God to help them through this situation? Does it matter that some are using this situation to foster their political beliefs? Does it matter that some believe the official story? Does it matter that some people are looking for causes and explanations from experts other than the “official” experts?

No. None of that matters. We are all coping the best we can. Sneering at people for their truth is no help to anyone. Getting nasty toward people who post different sources than yours shows a lack of open-mindedness. Ridiculing people only points out the ridiculousness of your own position, not theirs.

I still go on Facebook way more than I should. Partly, it’s to reply to comments that people leave on my posts. Partly it’s to catch up with those few I do respect — the people who post thoughtful articles from a variety of sources and who never resort to ridicule or belligerence or sarcasm.

And partly, I have to admit, because I am bored. (Boredom is not something I ever like admitting, because I believe any reasonably intelligent person has the resources to stave off boredom, but these are times that try even the most resourceful.)

Luckily, FB has a snooze button so I can put the less than reasonable folks in a time-out. Even more luckily, my knee is healing, which allows me to get around more and find other things to do than play on the computer. (Part of the issue with my knee/leg, I have come to realize is that I spend way too much time sitting at my computer, so staying away is good on so many levels.)

This the truth. Or at least my truth.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

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Plagued by Restlessness

April 16, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I find myself restless more often than not lately, and the return of dark and dreary days — cold, dark and dreary days — isn’t helping.

It’s time for me to drive again, and I considered doing so, except when I stepped outside, the cold drove me back inside. One of these days, I might have a garage, in which case driving will be a matter of pushing a button or two to get into the car, but for now, the vehicle is still out in the open and blanketed with a car cover. It’s been almost five years since the car was restored, so perhaps it doesn’t need to be babied as much. Or maybe it needs to be babied more. But whichever, it’s still more trouble than it’s worth to unpack the car and drive somewhere.

There’s no place to go, anyway, except to the grocery store, and if I went there, I’d want something more than healthy food. It seems as if this time is one that calls for treats to offset all the restrictions. Although I would really like to have had something to make me and the day feel less dreary, I opted for health.

I made salads for the next few days.

I also made a stir fry and cut up vegetables for dipping. It didn’t help with the restlessness, of course, but I could feel good about what I was eating. Besides, I no longer know what a treat would be. I could get flour and sugar to make cookies or something like that, but then, with being isolated by myself, there would only be me to eat them.

Still, the stir fry was good, and there’s enough left for another meal tomorrow, though tomorrow, who knows — I might give in and go for something a lot less healthy.

Unless, of course, the sun is shining — then I might try to do something out in the yard. That’s different, since it’s not something I can do in the winter. But then, I’d be frustrated at all the building supplies taking up space in my yard instead of being put to use.

Eek. What a life!

Actually, despite everything, I still have it good and count myself lucky that restlessness is the worst of my problems. I wouldn’t even mind being so restless since it’s something that I’m used to, but this restlessness seems to be fueled by the dread of what is going to happen because of these draconian measures and how this whole plague-ridden mess is going to be used against us in the future.

But that’s the future. Today, I’m okay. Today, I’m lucky. Today, I’m grateful.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

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An Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue Day

April 15, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I’m still restless today, desperately in need of something new to do, to think, to see, to say. Just anything new. I’ve never been one to go shopping for shopping’s sake, but I understand the urge for something . . . anything . . . new and different. But shopping, in this time of isolation, isn’t a possibility, and anyway, I don’t need any “thing.” Just a bit excitement, maybe.

Yesterday my bit of excitement was going for a walk, which turned out to be very nice. There also doesn’t seem to be any additional damage to my knee. Actually, the knee seems to be fine; somehow, though, in all that limping the past few weeks, I seem to have pulled a calf muscle. Sheesh. But even that is not bad. I just need to rest the leg today.

So what did I end up doing for excitement today?

I shoveled dirt.

Nope, not with a Cat — that was returned to the rental company a long time ago — but with a plain old shovel.

The ground behind the garage where the last segment of fence was erected was not level, so there are huge gaps between the fence and the ground, which sort of defeats the purpose of a fence since anything could wiggle its way into my yard. So today, I shoveled dirt to try to fill up some of those spaces under the fence.

It might not have been something new since I’ve done a lot of dirt slinging over the years, and it might not have been exciting, but it did need to be done, so it was satisfying in its way.

Hmm. This is beginning to sound like that wedding charm — something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Since the shoveling was both an old and a new experience, and the shovel was borrowed (the workers left it behind when they went off to do another job) so the only thing left is blue. And oh! How blue the skies were!

I also talked to the neighbor across the alley for a few minutes (keeping the requisite six feet apart). And then later my next door neighbor paused while walking her dog to exchange pleasantries, so this turned out to be rather a good old, new, borrowed, and blue day.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

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Looking For Excitement

April 14, 2020 — Pat Bertram

It seems such an affront that not only are we dealing with a virulent disease, lockdowns, and isolation, many of us also have to contend with allergies, various small infirmities . . . and weather.

April snows are not uncommon in Colorado, but still, you’d think we’d be given a pass on inclement weather if nothing else. I know we need the moisture (as long as the cold doesn’t kill my plants) and to be honest, the snow has almost melted, but still, I’m not really in the mood for gloom and doom. I need something exciting to do, though I’m not sure what that “excitement” would look like.

I still have plenty of “emergency” books to read, but the reason they are as yet unread is that I wasn’t all that excited about reading them in the first place. I still have some DVDs I borrowed from a friend months ago, and I suppose I could watch them so I could get them back to her, but the last time I mentioned them, she assured me that she’s not in any hurry for their return.

I could start writing a new book, I suppose, but anything I might write during this time would have a maudlin undertone, and that’s not the sort of attitude I want to perpetuate.

I could bake something, but I certainly don’t want to get started down that road — it’s hard enough to keep from gaining weight because of all the activity without tempting myself to indulge.

So what’s left? Maybe I’ll bundle up, grab my trekking poles, and take a risk with my knee. If that doesn’t calm my restless spirit, any resulting aches in my leg and knee will certainly make me more accepting of my indolence and isolation.

So, that’s what I’ll do. Wish me luck as I head out on my exciting adventure.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

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Wishing You the Joy of This Day

April 12, 2020 — Pat Bertram

Despite the predominately religious meanings of this time of year, such as Easter and Passover, there is a more personal spiritual meaning — that no matter how down (or up!) we are, we can find a renewal, a liberation, a breaking open of the constraints that bind us so we can burst forth into a new day, a new way of being.

I’m not really doing anything special with this new day, not actively trying to find any sort of renewal, but we are all being herded into a new way of being, whether we want it or not. Since I am a conspiracy novelist who has already written about a pandemic and the ramifications of a novel disease, I tend to see the coming political and financial fallout of this situation, but other people see this crisis in a more spiritual sense. They see an awakening, a renewal.

We are being forced to see what is really important in our lives, not just because of paring our lives down to the basics, but also because of what we are missing. For some people, that could be a good meal in a restaurant or a shopping spree. For others, it’s get togethers with family and friends.

It would be nice to think that those who see renewal in this time of house arrest are right, and that the world is on the brink of enlightenment or resurrection. Of course, each person’s definition of enlightenment is different, so chances are we will be right back where we started with everyone insisting their way is the correct one and vilifying everyone who does not agree.

Still, for now, it’s good to enjoy the moments, even the moments of doing nothing but staying safe. I also enjoy those moments when I am doing something, of course, but when I am not doing “nothing,” the enjoyment is sort of a tagalong feeling to whatever it is I am doing — walking, reading, playing on the computer — rather than enjoyment as a separate entity.

I so often feel a push for more — to walk more miles, to write more and better, to get stronger, healthier, wiser — that it’s good once in a while to burst out of the winding cloths I’ve wrapped myself in, and step out into the joy of being.

I’m overdoing the  resurrection metaphor a bit, but so what?

It’s a new day. And today I can do whatever I want. Be wh0ever I want. Well, in my own mind at least. There is still the matter of a body that doesn’t want to cooperate and a crisis that is keeping us virtual prisoners, but those are matters for another time.

Today is a time of thinking of new possibilities, of being in the moment, of staying safe.

Wishing you the joy of this day.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Unfinished, Madame ZeeZee’s Nightmare, Light Bringer, More Deaths Than One, A Spark of Heavenly Fire, and Daughter Am I. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.” Connect with Pat on Google+. Like Pat on Facebook.

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A Single Blossom

April 11, 2020 — Pat Bertram

I am not one who thrives on controversy. I just want to go along to get along, which is why I steer clear of hot issues such as politics or religion. Unfortunately, every once in a while I say something in a blog that hits people wrong, and I end up getting censured for something that was nothing more than an offhand remark.

Because the current situation continues to bewilder me — the repercussions, the ramifications, the lies and erroneous projections that were used to cause irreparable harm to so many people — I’ve been voicing my concerns. I haven’t meant to offend anyone with my comments and questions and half-facetious remarks. I’ve just been trying to sort through all the conflicting information we’re presented with, to mention the concerns I have, and to write of the things I have been thinking about. I’ve come to no conclusions, have no strong opinions. I’m simply . . . wondering.

The comments left here on this blog have been thoughtful and show an understanding of my dilemma, but those left elsewhere have been hurtful, so I’m eschewing the whole matter today and going with a topic that no one can chastise me for.

Tulips.

So far, only a single tulip has bloomed in my yard, but what a beauty!

Although a whole field of tulips can be dramatic, It doesn’t take huge numbers to make an impact. A single blossom can be just as beautiful and important and meaningful.

Which is good, considering all I have at the moment is this one flower.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

 

Posted in being me, blogging, life. Tags: , , , , , , . 5 Comments »

The Sorrow, Stress, and Solitariness of Grief

April 10, 2020 — Pat Bertram

A friend asked me how long it took me not to cry every day after Jeff died. My first response was “months” because I didn’t want to freak her out with how long grief lasts, but when I realized that it was better to be forewarned, I told her the truth.

I don’t remember when I stopped crying every day, but I know it went on for years. In a way, it’s not as bad as it sounds. At the beginning I cried almost all the time, but as the months passed, even though I still cried every day, it was not as long or as often. Even years after Jeff died, I was still tearing up almost every day — not really crying, but not not-crying, either. Sometimes the tears came from missing him or loneliness or exhaustion or being around those who were still happily married. Other times, something happened to cause the upsurge of grief: a smell, a memory, something I read or saw.

Now, months go by without a tear, but then, I am not a new widow. I am used to his being gone, used to being alone, used to the void that remains somewhere deep inside.

Not everyone has that deep well of tears, but enough of us do that I know tears are a normal part of dealing with such a devastating loss. Losing a life mate ranks at the very top of stressful situations. On a scale of 1 to 100, the loss of a life mate or child tops all at 100. Divorce, the second worse stressor is 73.

Sorrow. Stress. Solitariness. Any one of those makes for a very rough time, but when they all come at once, as they do when one has suffered a profound loss, they create a near-impossible situation. No wonder tears are such a common occurrence after the loss of a spouse or soul mate or life mate.

Although none of us like to cry, and although we perceive tears to be a sign of weakness, tears are necessary to help us relieve the incredible stress of grief. What adds to an already stressful situation (not the least being that the one person we need to help us through our loss is the very person we are mourning) is the sporadic and chaotic nature of grief. We can be doing fine — fine meaning not tearful — when suddenly, we are overtaken by grief. When that bout of sorrow is over, we think we have a grip, and then we’re hit again with the realization of our loss, and there we are, back at the beginning.

Unsettled times such as this current world-wide crisis, as well as the enforced isolation, can make grief even worse since there is nothing to do to take one’s mind off the pain, nowhere to run to for a moment of solace.

But there are always tears. At the beginning, crying seemed to make me feel worse, but as time went by and I realized that there were worst things than crying — such as suffering the physical and mental effects of stress — I came to appreciate the relief. Later, I came to welcome any tears because they seemed to bridge the gap and make me feel closer to him, and if not to him, then to my grief.

And if there are no tears to relieve the sorrow, stress, and solitariness of grief? Then you can try screaming. That works, too.

***

Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

Posted in grief, life. Tags: , , , , , , , . 6 Comments »
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