A Burden I Didn’t Know I Was Carrying

A few days ago, I wrote about rethinking this whole blogging thing. Since I had nothing else to write about, I’d been writing about the one thing I know — me — and I’d come to the conclusion it wasn’t healthy or smart to put so much of myself out there.

I thought it would be difficult to break the daily blogging habit of almost three years, but in the end, it was simple. I did what I felt like doing, which was keep my thoughts to myself. Actually, it wasn’t that I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself, but that I didn’t want to have any thoughts in the first place. It’s hard, of course, not to think, but it’s one thing to let one’s thoughts slide into the mind and then slide right out again, and another thing to try to sift through all those fleeting thoughts, capture one, and then expand on it for a blog topic.

What a relief to just let the thoughts go.

And I was right — the world did not come to an end when I stopped blogging every day.

What I found interesting is how this new non-daily blog habit has made itself felt. It gives me two or three extra hours every day. I imagine my breezy writing style makes it seem as if I jot a few words and then simply publish what I write, but it takes a lot of work to make something seem light and easy — writing, editing, re-editing, re-re-editing, adding tags to the blog so it will show up in search results, preparing a photo, publishing the blog, republishing to another blog, posting the reblogged link on Facebook. Even better, because I’m not blogging, I have no need to check Facebook and the blogsite and my email because there are no comments to respond to. So yes, a lot of free time!

Without having to think about what I am thinking, and without having to examine my days for a topic, I have a lot of free mental time, too. And I know that Socrates is wrong: the unexamined life is worth living. In fact, it might even be worth more than an examined life.

And then there’s the whole compassion fatigue situation. Because I am not a therapist or a grief counselor, I never would have thought such a state would apply to me, but over the past twelve and a half years I have mentored (for lack of a better word) hundreds of people through the worst of their grief, and I am truly fatigued. I have always felt powerless in the face of other people’s grief, but knowing at least to an extent what they are going through, I tried my best to listen and be kind, but now I am having a hard time summoning up any compassion or patience. I understand that to them, grief is new and ever-present, but to me . . . not so much. My life with Jeff is now far in the past and so is my grief for him. In fact, I barely remember what I went through unless I am reminded by people who want to talk about their grief. So, without having to deal with other people’s grief, I have a lot of free emotional time, too.

I don’t regret my work on behalf of grievers, in fact, I’m glad I could help, but now it’s time for me to let that part of my life go. So for those of you who need help with your grief or who simply want to talk about what you are going through, please check out the various grief forums and online grief support groups. I know a lot of people who found them helpful and comforting, and I am sure you will, too. (I will, of course, continue to respond to comments left on my blog.)

So, what am I doing with all this free time? Not thinking, that’s for sure. Not feeling much, either, except lightness at having shrugged off a burden I didn’t know I was carrying.


Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One. “Grief: The Inside Story is perfect and that is not hyperbole! It is exactly what folk who are grieving need to read.” –Leesa Healy, RN, GDAS GDAT, Emotional/Mental Health Therapist & Educator.

8 Responses to “A Burden I Didn’t Know I Was Carrying”

  1. Bridgette Says:

    I’m glad you had the courage to break free of something that no longer served you well. Sending you love as you discover a new way forward.

  2. Caline Parrish Says:

    Oops, I just wrote a comment about grief before reading this post. I completely understand your compassion fatigue, after so many years of counseling and comforting the bereaved! Just wanted to say that I’m not looking for help or to talk about grief, absolutely not, and I’m most definitely not expecting a reply. You have provided immense help and support to grieving people with your articles and books which are available to everyone, so really no need to add anything – it’s all there. Thanks again, dear Pat!

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I don’t mind people leaving comments about grief. I know how important it is for people to acknowledge what they are feeling. There is a difference between those leaving comments and those who expect something from me.

  3. Carol J. Garvin Says:

    Happy first day of Autumn, Pat.

    Sometimes social media can trap us in routines that in time lose their value. Bridgette said it well, and I’m glad the choice not to blog every day has been freeing for you. I’ll look forward to reading your thoughts whenever and on whatever topic you decide to post.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      Thank you for still reading. I wondered if you’d find me if I didn’t post on FB, which I’m no longer going to do (I should have stopped back when they blocked my blog URL) and I would have missed your insights.

      Happy Autumn!

  4. Joe Says:

    It seems like a fitting time to detach from things. It also seems like there’s a lot of self-awareness and insight that has to be present for us to recognize when it’s time to let something like this go. I’ve stepped away from most social media, myself, so we may be on a similar wavelength.

    Seems like many autumn colors where you are, whereas here it’s been so dry I’ve pretty much given up in disgust. Maybe next year things in the yard will be better.

    • Pat Bertram Says:

      I pretty much gave up this summer, which is why it’s taking me so long to clear out the weeds and weedy grasses this year, but the little rain we had a while back helped make the autumn flowers grow.

      As for stepping back from social sites — the time seems to be right.

Please leave a comment. I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: