It seems as if I’ve been doing a lot of blogging lately about my ideal life, though sometimes it was only because those blog prompts came up and I felt as if I had something to say. Other times it was because that particular day did feel ideal. It’s made me wonder, though, if I sounded smug with all that “ideal life” talk. For those of you who have been with me all through my years of grief over Jeff, over the loss of my father and my older brother, the loss of whatever stability I’d found, you know that my current ideal life has been hard won. The posts are more about gratitude for finding a safe haven than about congratulating myself on winning the “life” lottery.
I also know, as do you, how quickly life can change. One day one is the midst of the most terrible angst imaginable, and the next day one is okay. Well, not the next day, though from my perspective today, it can feel like it. But I have thousands of blog posts archived under the heading “grief posts” to show the truth of how many days separated the days of angst from these days of peace.
These “ideal life” posts are strictly about today. I hope no matter what traumas descend on me in the future, these days of gratitude and peace will help give me the courage to face what might come. I can hope, of course, for many years of this “ideal life,” but life tends not to take our hopes into consideration. Though who knows — some people believe we create our own reality, so perhaps these “ideal life” posts are helping create a future that is as easy as my life is today.
It is funny, though, that I am going through a time of relative freedom from body malfunctions and pain. There have been episodes over the past few years of knee problems, piriformis muscle and tendon issues, and various other trivialities (considering the life/death spectrum). I’ve managed to find a way to handle whatever has come my way, and currently there is a weird bout of catarrh that comes and goes, probably due to allergies, but for the most part, there are no malfunctions for me to deal with. That will change, too, but again, I am grateful for these days of ease (as opposed to dis-ease). And in fact, they should be celebrated despite any hint of what could be conceived as smugness.
Do I “deserve” these days? Who knows. Does anyone “deserve” anything that happens to them? Life is just . . . life. We deal with the good as well as the bad, though to be honest, the good is a whole heck of a lot easier to deal with!
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Pat Bertram is the author of Grief: The Inside Story – A Guide to Surviving the Loss of a Loved One
Bertram's Blog 
May 18, 2026 at 9:57 am
I keep thinkig that there is a reason behind the disease. Perhaps something I am supposed to learn?
May 18, 2026 at 12:52 pm
Someone to learn? Just how to live under your new circumstances, I suppose. I know a lot of people look for the lesson to be learned, but I’m not one of those who believe that someone died so we could learn something. If we happen to learn something along the way, that’s fine, but it’s not the reason. And keep in mind, you’re still new to all of this. It takes years to get to where one can feel at ease with the way their life didn’t turn out how they wanted. By the time I started with dance classes, Jeff had been gone over three years. I don’t know if you remember, but I still had problems dealing with the situation at times. As far as I can tell, the only thing to learn is how to get through the day.
How weird — I just realized we moved in opposite directions. I went there after Jeff died and you came here after your husband passed.
May 18, 2026 at 2:50 pm
At 82 I had a sever illness. I got dropped off at the hospital and left there for the day. I kind of figured noone really cared so I decided to move. I am probably a big pain to my daughter but it is what it is. If I lived in a small community it would suit me just fine but no such luck so I am making the best of it. I am sure you know what that means.